It has been a while since I have written in here, I have been so busy that I don't get the time to think, let alone blog.
This summer back home has been intense, and so completely fabulous. I can't believe how fast it has gone, and I can't believe the work that Jesus has done in my heart. I feel like a completely new creation, and I can honestly say that I have walked my whole Christian walk without feeling the peace and the complete love and joy that I feel now. Its crazy.
God still has work left to do in me, the work is never done- but He has started a good work and I am so thankful for that. My heart is being renewed and changed to be more like His everyday, and that is so exciting becasue it is something that I have been praying for, for so long. I have been praying freedom for so long and it is finally something I am experiencing.
I am heading back to Dublin at the beginning of November and I could not be more excited to take on the challenges that God has laid before me. He has broken my heart and remewed my passion in a big way for the city and for the people. I am on my knees for the kids most day becasue I just love them so much and want them to know special they are. I want them to know that someone cares about them enough to stick it out. I am willing to sacrifice everything to build that into these people. I am going to miss home like crazy, and I always end up homesick, but to me it is worth it. The call of God is worth sacrificing my comfort.
I wish that people could see what I see when I look at Dublin. I wish people could understand the love God has for His lost children. People say they understand, but if they did, if they felt the heart of God for the lost, than they would not be sitting in their lives not making a difference. They would be running, desperate to share His heart and make it known. That is my desire.
Now that I have seen God's heart, I can't contain it.
We are having a banquet this weekend to raise some money for this year in Dublin..I pray at this banquet that people would see my heart. That they would see how important this ministry is, and that I would beable to convey at least an ounce of the love God has for Dublin.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Friday, August 18, 2006
Scream
I could not say how I feel better than these lyrics put it....
Does anybody know how I feel?
Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome
Does anybody care what's going on?
Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm
For you to see me, I need release
Do I haveto scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you tosee me?'
Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me
Do I need to scream?
Has anybody seenwhat's been done?
Where was my defense?
No one heard my protest
The eyes of God were watching me
It's time to make my peace, let it go and be released
So I can breathe again
I'm on my knees
I've been marked, set apartBut I'm cut so deep and afraid of the dark
One drop of blood from the hole in Your hand
Is enough to heal me and make me stand'
CauseI'm clean,
He is listening to me
I don'thave to scream for Him to hear me
Don't have to bleedfor Him to see me
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me
I don't have to scream
I don't have to bleed'
Cause I'm clean, He is listenin
gAnd I don't have to scream
Does anybody know how I feel?
Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome
Does anybody care what's going on?
Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm
For you to see me, I need release
Do I haveto scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you tosee me?'
Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me
Do I need to scream?
Has anybody seenwhat's been done?
Where was my defense?
No one heard my protest
The eyes of God were watching me
It's time to make my peace, let it go and be released
So I can breathe again
I'm on my knees
I've been marked, set apartBut I'm cut so deep and afraid of the dark
One drop of blood from the hole in Your hand
Is enough to heal me and make me stand'
CauseI'm clean,
He is listening to me
I don'thave to scream for Him to hear me
Don't have to bleedfor Him to see me
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me
I don't have to scream
I don't have to bleed'
Cause I'm clean, He is listenin
gAnd I don't have to scream
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Too much.....
I have been home for like a month and a bit now...so crazy that it is going by so fast!! God has done so much so far this summer- He has been so faithful and so good, and really helped me to deal with my heart and a lot of the bad stuff that happened in Ireland. I met a fantastic Christian couple who are taking me through deliverance and helping me to find true freedom in Christ, and I am so thankful for that, but its so overwhelming at the same time. God is doing a fast work in me, so its heart wrenching.
I have so much on my heart, and so much that I need to deal with.....I walk around numb most days because I just don't know where to begin, but at the same time, God has given me so much peace, and so much joy about finding true freedom. I am halfway there, and if I have this much peace halfway through, imagine the peace that will come with true surrender and freedom in Him!
Now, I am at an awkward stage, because I am starting to get healthy and walk in truth, and see what needs to be done...but its hard, and I don't want to admit alot of the stuff God is bringing me into, and I really don't want to surrender the things that God is asking me too...not becasue I don't want freedom, but becasue it hurts so much. Surrendering my family- breaks my heart...surrendering my friends- God has had to take away alot of them in order to get me healthy so I am doing okay there- surrendering my future and my visions and goals and my ministry- break my heart. I know that it hurts so much becasue at a heart level I do not trust God and what He has for me- but it doesn't change the fact that it needs to happen regardless of how I feel. I know the truth.
I do not know if I will be going back to Ireland in October and that terrifies me. It terrifies me becasue if God asks me not too, then I feel that it will be becasue I did not do a good enough job. I know that my work in Ireland is not done, and so I will be back there, but its God timing. I just don't want to hurt anyone, and prove anyone right.
I just want to cry.
I have so much on my heart, and so much that I need to deal with.....I walk around numb most days because I just don't know where to begin, but at the same time, God has given me so much peace, and so much joy about finding true freedom. I am halfway there, and if I have this much peace halfway through, imagine the peace that will come with true surrender and freedom in Him!
Now, I am at an awkward stage, because I am starting to get healthy and walk in truth, and see what needs to be done...but its hard, and I don't want to admit alot of the stuff God is bringing me into, and I really don't want to surrender the things that God is asking me too...not becasue I don't want freedom, but becasue it hurts so much. Surrendering my family- breaks my heart...surrendering my friends- God has had to take away alot of them in order to get me healthy so I am doing okay there- surrendering my future and my visions and goals and my ministry- break my heart. I know that it hurts so much becasue at a heart level I do not trust God and what He has for me- but it doesn't change the fact that it needs to happen regardless of how I feel. I know the truth.
I do not know if I will be going back to Ireland in October and that terrifies me. It terrifies me becasue if God asks me not too, then I feel that it will be becasue I did not do a good enough job. I know that my work in Ireland is not done, and so I will be back there, but its God timing. I just don't want to hurt anyone, and prove anyone right.
I just want to cry.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Silence- what scares me most and what I most desire
Title: In the Silence
Artist:Jason Upton
Tired of telling you, you have me
When I know you really don’t
Tired of telling you I’ll follow
When I know I really won’t
Cause I’d rather stand here speechless
With no great words to say
If my silence is more truthful
And my ears can hear how to walk in your way
In the silence
You are speaking
In the quiet I can feel the fire
And it’s burning, burning deeply
Burning all it is that you desire to be silent, in me
Oh Jesus can you hear me?
My soul is screaming out
And my broken will cries teach me
What your Kingdom’s all about
Unite my heart to fear you,
To fear you’re holy name
And create a life of worship
In the spirit and truth of your loving ways
Jesus,
the cry of my heart is to stand before you-completely bare and honest. To be humble- knowing I am a sinner, but confident- not in who I am, but in who YOU are. I want you to have my whole heart and for me to be so completely captivated that I can do nothing but stand in silence. I am not there yet, but my heart aches for that day.
Artist:Jason Upton
Tired of telling you, you have me
When I know you really don’t
Tired of telling you I’ll follow
When I know I really won’t
Cause I’d rather stand here speechless
With no great words to say
If my silence is more truthful
And my ears can hear how to walk in your way
In the silence
You are speaking
In the quiet I can feel the fire
And it’s burning, burning deeply
Burning all it is that you desire to be silent, in me
Oh Jesus can you hear me?
My soul is screaming out
And my broken will cries teach me
What your Kingdom’s all about
Unite my heart to fear you,
To fear you’re holy name
And create a life of worship
In the spirit and truth of your loving ways
Jesus,
the cry of my heart is to stand before you-completely bare and honest. To be humble- knowing I am a sinner, but confident- not in who I am, but in who YOU are. I want you to have my whole heart and for me to be so completely captivated that I can do nothing but stand in silence. I am not there yet, but my heart aches for that day.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Great sermon today....
Today I wasn't planning on going to church becasue I woke up so tired, but God had a different plan. I had this crazy dream after I hit my alarm and ended up convicted about not going. So I got up and threw on some clothes and made my way down to church and I am glad to say that it was well worth it.
I really prayed during my worship time that I would really beable to connect to God. Like not just sing the words, and lift my hands, but really feel God's heart and praise Him for who He is despite the fact that I don't always like the way He works. I had a hard time entering in but through this 15 year old boy in the church God really spoke to me. He got up in front of the church, so scared, but he said He had a word from God. We went on to talk about lifting up our heads to focus on the Lord because it is finished. He talked about how we dont have to come into His presence ashamed because of what we have done because Jesus died for that shame. We can come boldly and confidently to the throne room of our Lord. That really ministered to my heart because it is a concept I have heard over and over, but never realized just how much it affects my walk with God.
It is like as soon as I do something wrong, or fall into the same sin over and over, I just feel so ashamed and like God would never want me in His presence. So I don't go there. But I really felt like what that young lad was saying was for me. God has really been showing me a lot about who He is. He is a God of grace, and compassion, and love. He is a jealous God and all He wants is for His children to come home.
The pastor went on to give a great sermon on confidence and how if we truly want to be confident people we need to be confident in God. He talked from Psalm 27. His main points were basically that our confidence needs to be:
1) Based on the Living God
2) Based on a finished work
3) and Based on a future Glory
He then went on to pick apart every problem we face, depression, fear, rejection, trouble, stress, anxiety...etc. Every single problem or trouble we face has been taken care of. It is finished work because of what Jesus has done for us. If we put our confidence in the Lord than nothing can shake us.
It was great and exactly what I needed to hear. All I have to do is lift up my head because that is where my help comes from. It is finished and I no longer have to be condemed or ashamed, not because of who I am but because of who my God is. I am pretty stoked about this massive, yet simple, foundational revelation.
I may be rejected, forsaken, depressed, anxious, worried and ashamed. But my God is my light, my salvation, my stronghold, my beauty, my safety, my covering, my encouragement and my mercy. AND because of all that I am free. Yay!
I really prayed during my worship time that I would really beable to connect to God. Like not just sing the words, and lift my hands, but really feel God's heart and praise Him for who He is despite the fact that I don't always like the way He works. I had a hard time entering in but through this 15 year old boy in the church God really spoke to me. He got up in front of the church, so scared, but he said He had a word from God. We went on to talk about lifting up our heads to focus on the Lord because it is finished. He talked about how we dont have to come into His presence ashamed because of what we have done because Jesus died for that shame. We can come boldly and confidently to the throne room of our Lord. That really ministered to my heart because it is a concept I have heard over and over, but never realized just how much it affects my walk with God.
It is like as soon as I do something wrong, or fall into the same sin over and over, I just feel so ashamed and like God would never want me in His presence. So I don't go there. But I really felt like what that young lad was saying was for me. God has really been showing me a lot about who He is. He is a God of grace, and compassion, and love. He is a jealous God and all He wants is for His children to come home.
The pastor went on to give a great sermon on confidence and how if we truly want to be confident people we need to be confident in God. He talked from Psalm 27. His main points were basically that our confidence needs to be:
1) Based on the Living God
2) Based on a finished work
3) and Based on a future Glory
He then went on to pick apart every problem we face, depression, fear, rejection, trouble, stress, anxiety...etc. Every single problem or trouble we face has been taken care of. It is finished work because of what Jesus has done for us. If we put our confidence in the Lord than nothing can shake us.
It was great and exactly what I needed to hear. All I have to do is lift up my head because that is where my help comes from. It is finished and I no longer have to be condemed or ashamed, not because of who I am but because of who my God is. I am pretty stoked about this massive, yet simple, foundational revelation.
I may be rejected, forsaken, depressed, anxious, worried and ashamed. But my God is my light, my salvation, my stronghold, my beauty, my safety, my covering, my encouragement and my mercy. AND because of all that I am free. Yay!
Saturday, May 13, 2006
I swear that this song was written about me!
"I Need You To Love Me"- Barlow Girls
Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You
[Chorus:]
But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me
I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me
Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been
This song hurts my heart becasue it is SOOOO my heart.
Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You
[Chorus:]
But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me
I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me
Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been
This song hurts my heart becasue it is SOOOO my heart.
Friday, May 12, 2006
This song really spoke to me today....
Artist: Alana Grace Lyrics
Song: Black Roses Red Lyrics
Can I ask you a question please
Promise you won't laugh at me
Honestly I'm standing here
Afraid I'll be betrayed.
As twisted as it seems, I only fear love when it's in my dreams
So let the morning light come in and let the darkness fade away
Chorus:
Can you turn my black roses red?
Can you turn my black roses red?
Drowning in my loneliness
How long must I hold my breath
So much emptiness inside I could fill the deepest sea
I reach to the sky as the moon looks on
One last year has come and gonne
It's time to let your love rain down on me
Can you turn my black roses red? (x3)
Cuz
I'm feelin like I'll blame it on love (x6)
Can you turn my black roses red? (x3)
Cuz I'm feelin like I'll blame in on love
I'm feeling like I'll blame it on love (until fades)
Song: Black Roses Red Lyrics
Can I ask you a question please
Promise you won't laugh at me
Honestly I'm standing here
Afraid I'll be betrayed.
As twisted as it seems, I only fear love when it's in my dreams
So let the morning light come in and let the darkness fade away
Chorus:
Can you turn my black roses red?
Can you turn my black roses red?
Drowning in my loneliness
How long must I hold my breath
So much emptiness inside I could fill the deepest sea
I reach to the sky as the moon looks on
One last year has come and gonne
It's time to let your love rain down on me
Can you turn my black roses red? (x3)
Cuz
I'm feelin like I'll blame it on love (x6)
Can you turn my black roses red? (x3)
Cuz I'm feelin like I'll blame in on love
I'm feeling like I'll blame it on love (until fades)
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Dandelions
I got to spend a whole day with the kids of the neighborhood today. It was the most fantastic day and it put so much into perspective. I never thought that making braclets out of dandelions would ever change things as much as it did.
I got to read stories, chase kids, be a human jungle gym, cuddle kids and laugh. It makes me cry to think about how special that time was, and how much each one of those kids mean to me! I love them so much.
It reminded me why I do what I do. Once again I found myself in a position where I needed that reminder, and once again God in His faithfulness provided. But it was so much more than that. I realized the extent of my selfishness. My desire to go home, my desire to have things my way completely distracted me of the one thing that will make me the most happy- realizing that it is NOT ABOUT ME.
I want to make a difference here, for those kids who are so desperate for someone to listen to them. I want to make a difference even if it means that I spend the rest of my life hugging children in a foreign country away from everyone I know and love.
I keep thinking that if the opporunity to go home early and never come back came that I would go for it and move on. But yesterday reminded me that I wouldnt trade my time here with these kids for anything. I have so much to learn from them.
I got to read stories, chase kids, be a human jungle gym, cuddle kids and laugh. It makes me cry to think about how special that time was, and how much each one of those kids mean to me! I love them so much.
It reminded me why I do what I do. Once again I found myself in a position where I needed that reminder, and once again God in His faithfulness provided. But it was so much more than that. I realized the extent of my selfishness. My desire to go home, my desire to have things my way completely distracted me of the one thing that will make me the most happy- realizing that it is NOT ABOUT ME.
I want to make a difference here, for those kids who are so desperate for someone to listen to them. I want to make a difference even if it means that I spend the rest of my life hugging children in a foreign country away from everyone I know and love.
I keep thinking that if the opporunity to go home early and never come back came that I would go for it and move on. But yesterday reminded me that I wouldnt trade my time here with these kids for anything. I have so much to learn from them.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Grace
My heart has been kind of a mess lately. My head has been even worse. I have been struggling alot with what seems like a never ending list. I have so much fear and so many insecurities. I feel like I have so much to prove but am failing miserably at the same time.
I know that I am the only one who holds the expectations so high that they can never be met. I let myself down everytime and then I get upset and insecure and beat myself up for having the expectation in the first place. That in itself creates a whole new expecation- that I should have learned by now that my old ways will never work. Its just a vicious cycle really.
I can see the end point but its hazy. I know where I want to be, I want passion, I want freedom, I want to walk in the truth, I want to be strong, I want to be in love, I want to serve and make His name known. I want to serve my God with reckless passion and wild abandonment. I want to be everything I am not right now.
I have been learning alot about grace lately becasue I am reading a book by Philip Yancy- its really reminding me of who God is. The God I serve doesnt want me to have insane expectations of myself, He doesnt want me coming into His presence ashamed and condemed becasue no matter how hard I try- I fall.
''As far as the east is from the west thats how far He has removed our transgressions from us. (psalm 20:12)''
This is the truth bouncing around in my heart and in my mind, yet why dont I grab ahold of it and live it. Maybe becasue it sounds just too good to be true. I know the truth and I still choose to live in the darkness I have always known. It makes me sad.
Abba, I just pray that you would really reveal to your children how to truly walk in the freedom of grace. Grace for others, and grace for ourselves becasue of the grace you constantly give to us. I pray that I would beable to stand confidently in your presence knowing that I am forgiven and loved by the love that is everlasting.
Amen.
I know that I am the only one who holds the expectations so high that they can never be met. I let myself down everytime and then I get upset and insecure and beat myself up for having the expectation in the first place. That in itself creates a whole new expecation- that I should have learned by now that my old ways will never work. Its just a vicious cycle really.
I can see the end point but its hazy. I know where I want to be, I want passion, I want freedom, I want to walk in the truth, I want to be strong, I want to be in love, I want to serve and make His name known. I want to serve my God with reckless passion and wild abandonment. I want to be everything I am not right now.
I have been learning alot about grace lately becasue I am reading a book by Philip Yancy- its really reminding me of who God is. The God I serve doesnt want me to have insane expectations of myself, He doesnt want me coming into His presence ashamed and condemed becasue no matter how hard I try- I fall.
''As far as the east is from the west thats how far He has removed our transgressions from us. (psalm 20:12)''
This is the truth bouncing around in my heart and in my mind, yet why dont I grab ahold of it and live it. Maybe becasue it sounds just too good to be true. I know the truth and I still choose to live in the darkness I have always known. It makes me sad.
Abba, I just pray that you would really reveal to your children how to truly walk in the freedom of grace. Grace for others, and grace for ourselves becasue of the grace you constantly give to us. I pray that I would beable to stand confidently in your presence knowing that I am forgiven and loved by the love that is everlasting.
Amen.
Friday, April 28, 2006
KiKi
Here is the most recent picture I have of me! I am just hanging out at the internet cafe in Dublin Ireland with unruly curly hair. Yay!!
Saturday, April 22, 2006
GREYSTONES
SO JEN AND I DECIDED THAT WE HAD JUST HAD ENOUGH OF DUBLIN AND HEADED OUTSIDE DUBLIN TO ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AREAS IN IRELAND- GREYSTONES. WELL I DONT REALLY HAVE ANYTHING ELSE IN IRELAND TO COMPARE IT TOO, BUT EVERYTIME I GO THERE I AM ALWAYS TOTALLY BLOWN AWAY BY ITS FANTASTIC BEAUTY AND THE PEACE THAT I FIND THERE.
WE JUST WONDERED AROUND THE TOWN, HAD SOME LUNCH AND THEN HEADED TOWARDS TO BEACH. NOW THE BEACH IN GREYSTONES IS UNLIKE ANY OTHER BEACH- ITS FULL OF CLIFFS, AND BEAUTIFUL ROCKS AND THE WATER IS SO CLEAR AND THE SURF SPLASHES UP ONTO THE CLIFFS AND ROCKS. I WAS BLOWN AWAY AT HOW BEAUTIFUL I ALWAYS FIND IT, AND HOW GREAT GOD OUR CREATOR TRULY IS.
JEN PUT IT WELL WHEN SHE SAID THAT SHE MET GOD IN GREYSTONES BECASUE I DID AS WELL. I THINK IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH BEING SO CLOSE TO SOMETHING SO BEAUTIFUL- BUT I ALWAYS FEEL GOD WHEN I AM THERE. IT WAS DEFINATLY A TRIP THAT BOTH JEN AND I NEEDED AS WE WERE GETTING SO TIRED AND JUST RUN DOWN IN DUBLIN. THE SPIRIT IS HEAVY AND TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST GOD SHOWED ME TODAY HOW I ALLOWED MYSELF TO JUST LET GO OF HIM AND EVERYTHING I CARE ABOUT AND STAND FOR AND AM FIGHTING FOR.
GREYSTONES REMINDED ME OF ALOT, AND IT REMINDED ME THAT NO MATTER WHAT I MAY FEEL LIKE, I SERVE AN INCREDIBLE, MAJESTIC, LOVING, COMPASSIONATE CREATOR WORTHY OF MY PRAISE AND SO MUCH MORE.
I NEED TO PUSH THROUGH THIS SEASON AND INTO THE LIFE GOD INTENDED ME TO HAVE. I AM EXCITED BUT SCARED, BECASUE I KNOW THE SACRIFICE INVOVED AND THE HEART ISSUES THAT NEED TO BE DEALT WITH BEFORE I AM TRULY RELEASED INTO THE FULL FREEDOM I KNOW THAT I HAVE IN HIM.
WE JUST WONDERED AROUND THE TOWN, HAD SOME LUNCH AND THEN HEADED TOWARDS TO BEACH. NOW THE BEACH IN GREYSTONES IS UNLIKE ANY OTHER BEACH- ITS FULL OF CLIFFS, AND BEAUTIFUL ROCKS AND THE WATER IS SO CLEAR AND THE SURF SPLASHES UP ONTO THE CLIFFS AND ROCKS. I WAS BLOWN AWAY AT HOW BEAUTIFUL I ALWAYS FIND IT, AND HOW GREAT GOD OUR CREATOR TRULY IS.
JEN PUT IT WELL WHEN SHE SAID THAT SHE MET GOD IN GREYSTONES BECASUE I DID AS WELL. I THINK IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH BEING SO CLOSE TO SOMETHING SO BEAUTIFUL- BUT I ALWAYS FEEL GOD WHEN I AM THERE. IT WAS DEFINATLY A TRIP THAT BOTH JEN AND I NEEDED AS WE WERE GETTING SO TIRED AND JUST RUN DOWN IN DUBLIN. THE SPIRIT IS HEAVY AND TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST GOD SHOWED ME TODAY HOW I ALLOWED MYSELF TO JUST LET GO OF HIM AND EVERYTHING I CARE ABOUT AND STAND FOR AND AM FIGHTING FOR.
GREYSTONES REMINDED ME OF ALOT, AND IT REMINDED ME THAT NO MATTER WHAT I MAY FEEL LIKE, I SERVE AN INCREDIBLE, MAJESTIC, LOVING, COMPASSIONATE CREATOR WORTHY OF MY PRAISE AND SO MUCH MORE.
I NEED TO PUSH THROUGH THIS SEASON AND INTO THE LIFE GOD INTENDED ME TO HAVE. I AM EXCITED BUT SCARED, BECASUE I KNOW THE SACRIFICE INVOVED AND THE HEART ISSUES THAT NEED TO BE DEALT WITH BEFORE I AM TRULY RELEASED INTO THE FULL FREEDOM I KNOW THAT I HAVE IN HIM.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
My heart.....
It has definatly been a while since I have written in here. Wow so much has happened that I dont even know where to begin.
I am homesick today. My mom has been here for the past 10 days and she left this morning with my brother, so I am sad and homesick now.
My mom and I dont really have the best history and we have pretty much fought since the day I turned 14- but I still love her so much. My brother and I have never been close either- by the time he reached the age that he stopped being annoying- I moved away so it was hard to see him go as well. My heart breaks for my family more than anything else. I just pray that one day they will understand me, and know the God that has made me who I am.
I was talking to Jen last night before bed and just crying because I didnt know how to put into words all the stuff I was feeling, and she told me that a big reason my heart hurts so much is becasue God misses me.
That one thing she said lead into a whole area of my heart that just is in bits. I am not really sure how to put it into words. Bascially, when my mom came I found all my security in her. I let my guard down and relyed on her alot. When my mom or dad is around I feel so much more secure and like everything is going to be okay. So when she left, my security left...and now I feel lost and anxious and detatched.....etc.
Why, after being in Dublin away from my family for six months with nothing but my best friend do I still choose to not rely and be secure in only God? Why do I still run away? Why do I still choose to let my heart become apathetic becasue it feels better than talking about whats really in my heart?
I get so frustrated becasue I dont know why I do all of these things. So I sit and cry, becasue I dont know how to justify these questions, I dont know the answers. All I know is that my heart hurts, and I miss God too.
I am homesick today. My mom has been here for the past 10 days and she left this morning with my brother, so I am sad and homesick now.
My mom and I dont really have the best history and we have pretty much fought since the day I turned 14- but I still love her so much. My brother and I have never been close either- by the time he reached the age that he stopped being annoying- I moved away so it was hard to see him go as well. My heart breaks for my family more than anything else. I just pray that one day they will understand me, and know the God that has made me who I am.
I was talking to Jen last night before bed and just crying because I didnt know how to put into words all the stuff I was feeling, and she told me that a big reason my heart hurts so much is becasue God misses me.
That one thing she said lead into a whole area of my heart that just is in bits. I am not really sure how to put it into words. Bascially, when my mom came I found all my security in her. I let my guard down and relyed on her alot. When my mom or dad is around I feel so much more secure and like everything is going to be okay. So when she left, my security left...and now I feel lost and anxious and detatched.....etc.
Why, after being in Dublin away from my family for six months with nothing but my best friend do I still choose to not rely and be secure in only God? Why do I still run away? Why do I still choose to let my heart become apathetic becasue it feels better than talking about whats really in my heart?
I get so frustrated becasue I dont know why I do all of these things. So I sit and cry, becasue I dont know how to justify these questions, I dont know the answers. All I know is that my heart hurts, and I miss God too.
Friday, March 10, 2006
Friday, February 24, 2006
Ode to Meeks
So I was checking out google, becasue I have nothing better to do, and I put the word ''meeks'' into a good image search, and this is the best thing I found, well besides all the scary looking people with the surname ''Meeks.'' This wonderful peice of art work is called ''Meeks-Lookin for Love.'' Now all I have to do is get muss to recreate the masterpeice with me inside!
SO HAPPY ITS FRIDAY!!!
Wow, what a weird morning! I decided that it would be a good idea at the last minute to take a taxi to the post office and pick up the parcel my daddy sent me becasue I wasnt home yesterday when they tried to deliver it! It cost me 15 euro to get to the post office and then down to work- traffic was insane! So that sicked me out, but the package from my daddy was so cute! He sent me all the stuff I miss from Canada, including my beloved blue and yellow sweater that I cant believe I forgot in the first place!
So I got to work to recieve a phone call from Joanne the lady from the recruitment agency that sends me out temping- and it turns out that this week may be my only week at Crosscare becasue the lady I am filling in for might be coming back Monday. So that really sucks because I love working here. But I trust that God is removing me for a reason and that He will find me something better sutied as it is kind of hard to get too everyday!
So yeah despite the fact that its just a normal friday with crap going on, I am still stoked and in a really good mood for no reason!
Jen and I are going to try and go and see some irish country side next weekend- hopefully we can get that all worked out becasue it would be amazing just to take off for a weekend and relax! If we cant get to the irish country side maybe will just sit and relax on the street outside our house, hahaha!
Anyways, I am pretty much done rambling for now, I will leave you with one last bit of exciting new........I have decided to take up ''FENCING''
So I got to work to recieve a phone call from Joanne the lady from the recruitment agency that sends me out temping- and it turns out that this week may be my only week at Crosscare becasue the lady I am filling in for might be coming back Monday. So that really sucks because I love working here. But I trust that God is removing me for a reason and that He will find me something better sutied as it is kind of hard to get too everyday!
So yeah despite the fact that its just a normal friday with crap going on, I am still stoked and in a really good mood for no reason!
Jen and I are going to try and go and see some irish country side next weekend- hopefully we can get that all worked out becasue it would be amazing just to take off for a weekend and relax! If we cant get to the irish country side maybe will just sit and relax on the street outside our house, hahaha!
Anyways, I am pretty much done rambling for now, I will leave you with one last bit of exciting new........I have decided to take up ''FENCING''
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Could be fun!!
Choose a band / artist then answer ONLY in titles of their songs . . .
1. Choose a band / artist: Kelley Clarkson
2. Are you male or female: ''Natural woman''
3. Describe yourself: ''Beautiful Disaster''
4. How do some people feel about you: ''Angel'' (haha!)
5. How do you feel about yourself: ''Low''
6. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: ''Where is your heart''
7. Describe current boyfriend/girlfriend: ''What's up Lonly'' (as in I HAVE NO BOYFRIEND!)
8. Describe where you want to be: ''Miss Independant''
9. Describe how you live: ''Thankful''
10. Describe how you love: ''Addicted''
11. What would you ask for if you had just one wish: ''Some Kind of Miracle''
12. Share a few words of Wisdom: ''The trouble with love is...''
13. Where Do you Live? ''A moment like this''
14. Now say goodbye: ''Since You Been Gone''
WOW! Thats was way harder than I thought it would be!!Wednesday, February 22, 2006
MEEKS LAND
Here are some of the things that are definatly going to be a part of Meeks Land:
-peppermint chairs
-chocolate river
-lollipop trees
-sparkley green grass
-instead of raining- it just sparkles for a while!
-lots of rainbows
-lots of laughing
-lots of dancing (muss will be there dancing to beverly hills!)
marshmallow clouds
-bubblegum tshirts- yeah! you would smell so good!
-lots of yellow duckies walking around!
-the stars are multicolored
-the sun is made of skittles!
- huge swimming pool
- warm all the time
-My palace will be in the middle of the city and every 10 minutes is screams my name alternating between MEEEEKS! and YONEZZ!! and every half hour it explodes in pink smoke, glitter, and little pictures of meeks!
-All of the music played has my name subsituted in place of the word ''me''
Im sure I will think of more, but that is it for now! I love this picture of candy land, I will be using it to model Meeks Land! yay!
Something to think about. . . .
''Trusting God in the face of disappointment is the ultimate test of faith!'' (Shannon Kubiak) It seems like a no brainer, and unless you are seriously facing disappointment its easy to say that its not really big of a test of faith becasue you know the truth and the truth is God is good. When I read that today it seriously made me think about the times in my life I have been disappointed and not happy with what God was doing and to no suprise I had no faith. Its hard to trust God especially if you are disappointed in Him, and honestly I dont really know how you would go about trusting God if you were disappointed in Him. The definition of disappointment is a feeling of dissatisfaction that results when your expectations are not realized (dictionary.com- the lazy way!) Thats an interesting way of thinking about it becasue if you are disappointed in God then you are unhappy at the fact that God has not realized your expectations.
Now onto expectations, those are a killer and will let you down everytime. So really if you think about it, the only reason we ever get disappointed is becasue we choose to have expectations. Yikes...I dont like where this is going!
So I thought about it for a bit and then moved onto a quote in the book by Elizabeth Elliot that says ''Trust the man who died for you.'' Thats a great quote and its very true. Why wouldnt you beable to trust someone willing to lay their life on the line for you...
just something stuff I am thinking on...I am going to stop now because I am giving myself a headache!
Now onto expectations, those are a killer and will let you down everytime. So really if you think about it, the only reason we ever get disappointed is becasue we choose to have expectations. Yikes...I dont like where this is going!
So I thought about it for a bit and then moved onto a quote in the book by Elizabeth Elliot that says ''Trust the man who died for you.'' Thats a great quote and its very true. Why wouldnt you beable to trust someone willing to lay their life on the line for you...
just something stuff I am thinking on...I am going to stop now because I am giving myself a headache!
Chilly and Dancing!
Brrr- its like working in the Arctic today! Normally when its miserable outside I love just hanging out inside becasue its warm and there is glass and brick separating me from the bitter cold rain and in this case hail! But no no, today it has to be just as cold in our offices as it is outside- the draft is insane! So here I sit, wishing I has some mittens!
But hey if your cold and have no mittens what else can you do? DANCE! So I got the oldies pumping- well they no longer are pumping becasue ''You raise me up'' by Westlife just came on- this is upsetting becasue I can't dance to Westlife! Boo- so my dance party has turned out to be a bust!
I am currently in the process of thinking of ideas for my ''Meeks Land'' board game. I am going to make it and take it back home to Canada for Muss! She will definatly appreciate the beauty of the Meeks Land board game me thinks!
Oooo Footloose just came on! Meeks Dance Party is back in action!
But hey if your cold and have no mittens what else can you do? DANCE! So I got the oldies pumping- well they no longer are pumping becasue ''You raise me up'' by Westlife just came on- this is upsetting becasue I can't dance to Westlife! Boo- so my dance party has turned out to be a bust!
I am currently in the process of thinking of ideas for my ''Meeks Land'' board game. I am going to make it and take it back home to Canada for Muss! She will definatly appreciate the beauty of the Meeks Land board game me thinks!
Oooo Footloose just came on! Meeks Dance Party is back in action!
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
City of God's Delight
I figured I would start myself a blog seeing as I do nothing at work. I answer the phone that never rings and or mail letters that never come in- all in all the situation is looking pretty good for me and I am left with lots of spare time that I am getting paid 12 euro an hour to have!
I have been in Dublin for 4 months now. Looking back to when I first got here, i didnt think that being half way through this trip was even possible! It was a really hard transition to make- leaving all of my friends and family behind and moving across the ocean to start a new adventure with nothing by God and my best friend. I knew that God has called me here and I had spent the whole year working towards moving here, but yet when I got here I was miserable, homesick and terrible to be around. I didnt want to do anything but go home and the anger in me towards God for bringing me here was terrifying! I toughed it out though and somehow through venting and screaming my disapointment at God and friends coming over to kick me in the butt I made it through the first few months- to my relief and probably my best friend Jens who often had to listen to me vent and freak out!
So the trip is half over, and I have a house with my best friend, I go to church most sundays, I have an office job at a place called Crosscare that does social work, feeding schemes and drug abuse couselling all over Dublin, I work with an inner city kids club on Thomas street, I have kids in my neighborhood come over on saturdays to hang out and get loved on, and I always have sunday night dinner with Jen and Konrad (my favourite polish person in the world)! So even though I still get homesick, I think that alot has happened in 4 months, and I am really happy and I dont hate Dublin anymore! yay!
God has also done so much work in my heart! Even up to a month ago I was so angry and broken and I shut my heart of to just about everything, including God. God has brought so much healing to me though and really given me a passion to walk with Him rather than making it a chore. So much of my walk with God has been based on the fact that I have nothing to walk away too, so although I hate walking with Him there is nowhere else to go. But God has showed me just how good He really is. He is so faithful and I have nothing but testimony of His faithfulness and goodness. He is always there for His kids. I love Him more than I ever have and want to do nothing but bring Glory to His name. To serve and love the way He first loved us. God is the last person I think about before falling asleep and the first person I wake up to in the morning- that is the desire of my heart.
So with all that in mind, I am loving my time here and finally relaxing and enjoying it! I have a big heart for Dublin and my heart breaks for the children here more and more everyday. I am falling head over heels in love with Jesus and I have never been more myself.
I have been in Dublin for 4 months now. Looking back to when I first got here, i didnt think that being half way through this trip was even possible! It was a really hard transition to make- leaving all of my friends and family behind and moving across the ocean to start a new adventure with nothing by God and my best friend. I knew that God has called me here and I had spent the whole year working towards moving here, but yet when I got here I was miserable, homesick and terrible to be around. I didnt want to do anything but go home and the anger in me towards God for bringing me here was terrifying! I toughed it out though and somehow through venting and screaming my disapointment at God and friends coming over to kick me in the butt I made it through the first few months- to my relief and probably my best friend Jens who often had to listen to me vent and freak out!
So the trip is half over, and I have a house with my best friend, I go to church most sundays, I have an office job at a place called Crosscare that does social work, feeding schemes and drug abuse couselling all over Dublin, I work with an inner city kids club on Thomas street, I have kids in my neighborhood come over on saturdays to hang out and get loved on, and I always have sunday night dinner with Jen and Konrad (my favourite polish person in the world)! So even though I still get homesick, I think that alot has happened in 4 months, and I am really happy and I dont hate Dublin anymore! yay!
God has also done so much work in my heart! Even up to a month ago I was so angry and broken and I shut my heart of to just about everything, including God. God has brought so much healing to me though and really given me a passion to walk with Him rather than making it a chore. So much of my walk with God has been based on the fact that I have nothing to walk away too, so although I hate walking with Him there is nowhere else to go. But God has showed me just how good He really is. He is so faithful and I have nothing but testimony of His faithfulness and goodness. He is always there for His kids. I love Him more than I ever have and want to do nothing but bring Glory to His name. To serve and love the way He first loved us. God is the last person I think about before falling asleep and the first person I wake up to in the morning- that is the desire of my heart.
So with all that in mind, I am loving my time here and finally relaxing and enjoying it! I have a big heart for Dublin and my heart breaks for the children here more and more everyday. I am falling head over heels in love with Jesus and I have never been more myself.
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