Grace

My heart has been kind of a mess lately. My head has been even worse. I have been struggling alot with what seems like a never ending list. I have so much fear and so many insecurities. I feel like I have so much to prove but am failing miserably at the same time.

I know that I am the only one who holds the expectations so high that they can never be met. I let myself down everytime and then I get upset and insecure and beat myself up for having the expectation in the first place. That in itself creates a whole new expecation- that I should have learned by now that my old ways will never work. Its just a vicious cycle really.

I can see the end point but its hazy. I know where I want to be, I want passion, I want freedom, I want to walk in the truth, I want to be strong, I want to be in love, I want to serve and make His name known. I want to serve my God with reckless passion and wild abandonment. I want to be everything I am not right now.

I have been learning alot about grace lately becasue I am reading a book by Philip Yancy- its really reminding me of who God is. The God I serve doesnt want me to have insane expectations of myself, He doesnt want me coming into His presence ashamed and condemed becasue no matter how hard I try- I fall.

''As far as the east is from the west thats how far He has removed our transgressions from us. (psalm 20:12)''

This is the truth bouncing around in my heart and in my mind, yet why dont I grab ahold of it and live it. Maybe becasue it sounds just too good to be true. I know the truth and I still choose to live in the darkness I have always known. It makes me sad.

Abba, I just pray that you would really reveal to your children how to truly walk in the freedom of grace. Grace for others, and grace for ourselves becasue of the grace you constantly give to us. I pray that I would beable to stand confidently in your presence knowing that I am forgiven and loved by the love that is everlasting.
Amen.