My heart.....

It has definatly been a while since I have written in here. Wow so much has happened that I dont even know where to begin.

I am homesick today. My mom has been here for the past 10 days and she left this morning with my brother, so I am sad and homesick now.

My mom and I dont really have the best history and we have pretty much fought since the day I turned 14- but I still love her so much. My brother and I have never been close either- by the time he reached the age that he stopped being annoying- I moved away so it was hard to see him go as well. My heart breaks for my family more than anything else. I just pray that one day they will understand me, and know the God that has made me who I am.

I was talking to Jen last night before bed and just crying because I didnt know how to put into words all the stuff I was feeling, and she told me that a big reason my heart hurts so much is becasue God misses me.

That one thing she said lead into a whole area of my heart that just is in bits. I am not really sure how to put it into words. Bascially, when my mom came I found all my security in her. I let my guard down and relyed on her alot. When my mom or dad is around I feel so much more secure and like everything is going to be okay. So when she left, my security left...and now I feel lost and anxious and detatched.....etc.

Why, after being in Dublin away from my family for six months with nothing but my best friend do I still choose to not rely and be secure in only God? Why do I still run away? Why do I still choose to let my heart become apathetic becasue it feels better than talking about whats really in my heart?

I get so frustrated becasue I dont know why I do all of these things. So I sit and cry, becasue I dont know how to justify these questions, I dont know the answers. All I know is that my heart hurts, and I miss God too.