KiKi

Here is the most recent picture I have of me! I am just hanging out at the internet cafe in Dublin Ireland with unruly curly hair. Yay!!

GREYSTONES

SO JEN AND I DECIDED THAT WE HAD JUST HAD ENOUGH OF DUBLIN AND HEADED OUTSIDE DUBLIN TO ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AREAS IN IRELAND- GREYSTONES. WELL I DONT REALLY HAVE ANYTHING ELSE IN IRELAND TO COMPARE IT TOO, BUT EVERYTIME I GO THERE I AM ALWAYS TOTALLY BLOWN AWAY BY ITS FANTASTIC BEAUTY AND THE PEACE THAT I FIND THERE.

WE JUST WONDERED AROUND THE TOWN, HAD SOME LUNCH AND THEN HEADED TOWARDS TO BEACH. NOW THE BEACH IN GREYSTONES IS UNLIKE ANY OTHER BEACH- ITS FULL OF CLIFFS, AND BEAUTIFUL ROCKS AND THE WATER IS SO CLEAR AND THE SURF SPLASHES UP ONTO THE CLIFFS AND ROCKS. I WAS BLOWN AWAY AT HOW BEAUTIFUL I ALWAYS FIND IT, AND HOW GREAT GOD OUR CREATOR TRULY IS.

JEN PUT IT WELL WHEN SHE SAID THAT SHE MET GOD IN GREYSTONES BECASUE I DID AS WELL. I THINK IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH BEING SO CLOSE TO SOMETHING SO BEAUTIFUL- BUT I ALWAYS FEEL GOD WHEN I AM THERE. IT WAS DEFINATLY A TRIP THAT BOTH JEN AND I NEEDED AS WE WERE GETTING SO TIRED AND JUST RUN DOWN IN DUBLIN. THE SPIRIT IS HEAVY AND TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST GOD SHOWED ME TODAY HOW I ALLOWED MYSELF TO JUST LET GO OF HIM AND EVERYTHING I CARE ABOUT AND STAND FOR AND AM FIGHTING FOR.

GREYSTONES REMINDED ME OF ALOT, AND IT REMINDED ME THAT NO MATTER WHAT I MAY FEEL LIKE, I SERVE AN INCREDIBLE, MAJESTIC, LOVING, COMPASSIONATE CREATOR WORTHY OF MY PRAISE AND SO MUCH MORE.

I NEED TO PUSH THROUGH THIS SEASON AND INTO THE LIFE GOD INTENDED ME TO HAVE. I AM EXCITED BUT SCARED, BECASUE I KNOW THE SACRIFICE INVOVED AND THE HEART ISSUES THAT NEED TO BE DEALT WITH BEFORE I AM TRULY RELEASED INTO THE FULL FREEDOM I KNOW THAT I HAVE IN HIM.

My heart.....

It has definatly been a while since I have written in here. Wow so much has happened that I dont even know where to begin.

I am homesick today. My mom has been here for the past 10 days and she left this morning with my brother, so I am sad and homesick now.

My mom and I dont really have the best history and we have pretty much fought since the day I turned 14- but I still love her so much. My brother and I have never been close either- by the time he reached the age that he stopped being annoying- I moved away so it was hard to see him go as well. My heart breaks for my family more than anything else. I just pray that one day they will understand me, and know the God that has made me who I am.

I was talking to Jen last night before bed and just crying because I didnt know how to put into words all the stuff I was feeling, and she told me that a big reason my heart hurts so much is becasue God misses me.

That one thing she said lead into a whole area of my heart that just is in bits. I am not really sure how to put it into words. Bascially, when my mom came I found all my security in her. I let my guard down and relyed on her alot. When my mom or dad is around I feel so much more secure and like everything is going to be okay. So when she left, my security left...and now I feel lost and anxious and detatched.....etc.

Why, after being in Dublin away from my family for six months with nothing but my best friend do I still choose to not rely and be secure in only God? Why do I still run away? Why do I still choose to let my heart become apathetic becasue it feels better than talking about whats really in my heart?

I get so frustrated becasue I dont know why I do all of these things. So I sit and cry, becasue I dont know how to justify these questions, I dont know the answers. All I know is that my heart hurts, and I miss God too.