Scream

I could not say how I feel better than these lyrics put it....

Does anybody know how I feel?
Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome
Does anybody care what's going on?
Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm
For you to see me, I need release
Do I haveto scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you tosee me?'
Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me
Do I need to scream?
Has anybody seenwhat's been done?
Where was my defense?
No one heard my protest
The eyes of God were watching me
It's time to make my peace, let it go and be released
So I can breathe again
I'm on my knees
I've been marked, set apartBut I'm cut so deep and afraid of the dark
One drop of blood from the hole in Your hand
Is enough to heal me and make me stand'
CauseI'm clean,
He is listening to me
I don'thave to scream for Him to hear me
Don't have to bleedfor Him to see me
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me
I don't have to scream
I don't have to bleed'
Cause I'm clean, He is listenin
gAnd I don't have to scream

Too much.....

I have been home for like a month and a bit now...so crazy that it is going by so fast!! God has done so much so far this summer- He has been so faithful and so good, and really helped me to deal with my heart and a lot of the bad stuff that happened in Ireland. I met a fantastic Christian couple who are taking me through deliverance and helping me to find true freedom in Christ, and I am so thankful for that, but its so overwhelming at the same time. God is doing a fast work in me, so its heart wrenching.

I have so much on my heart, and so much that I need to deal with.....I walk around numb most days because I just don't know where to begin, but at the same time, God has given me so much peace, and so much joy about finding true freedom. I am halfway there, and if I have this much peace halfway through, imagine the peace that will come with true surrender and freedom in Him!

Now, I am at an awkward stage, because I am starting to get healthy and walk in truth, and see what needs to be done...but its hard, and I don't want to admit alot of the stuff God is bringing me into, and I really don't want to surrender the things that God is asking me too...not becasue I don't want freedom, but becasue it hurts so much. Surrendering my family- breaks my heart...surrendering my friends- God has had to take away alot of them in order to get me healthy so I am doing okay there- surrendering my future and my visions and goals and my ministry- break my heart. I know that it hurts so much becasue at a heart level I do not trust God and what He has for me- but it doesn't change the fact that it needs to happen regardless of how I feel. I know the truth.

I do not know if I will be going back to Ireland in October and that terrifies me. It terrifies me becasue if God asks me not too, then I feel that it will be becasue I did not do a good enough job. I know that my work in Ireland is not done, and so I will be back there, but its God timing. I just don't want to hurt anyone, and prove anyone right.

I just want to cry.