Anti-Christmas

I must say that I HATE Christmas.

Its so commercial, and everyone is miserable because its impossible to make everyone happy.
Its the hardest time of year for so many people who have no families, no food, and who have lost everything.

It seems to have lost all meaning- its really just another day.

Therefore next year, I am going away for Christmas and celebrating no more- there is much less pressure that way.

Don't get me wrong, I will always celebrate Jesus and His birth because thats what its REALLY all about- but the rest of it, I can't stand and refuse to live under the expectation of gift giving and trying to make sure everyone is happy.

"Shipwreck" by Starfield

I built a fortress
With a hundred thousand faces
I'll keep it safe
With a hundred thousand more
But these masks are wearing thin
As You draw me in

I spent my time
On the empty and the fleeting
I spent my life
On much less than I'd dreamed
But I'm reaching out to you
To make me new'

Cause I am just a beggar here at Your door
I am just a shipwreck here on Your shore
I come empty handed
Ready to seeYour life in me changing who I've been
To who I need to be

You tell me my story
As You sift between the pages
I feel redemption
In the space between each turn
Could You take me in Your arms
And tell it just once more
Could You take me in Your arms
And tell it just once more

Frustrated.

I really wish that I knew who I was.
I seem to catch glimpses of it sometimes, but then just as quick as it came, its gone again.

I wish I really knew who God was.
I would not have so many trust issues if I actually knew and trusted His heart.

I want to be secure in who I am and who God is. That is where my identity is and I am always going to be running from one thing to another until I figure it out.

I am frustrated. I am not happy. I just want to be myself, but I need to figure out who that is before that can happen.

New Plan!

I am pretty sure I am going to take the Missing Women in Mexico course in May!! That means after my winter semester- I am going to take this course on Missing Women through Luther University and it includes a 2 week trip to Mexico City to attend confrences and work with families who have been victims of women going missing. Its going to be intense I am sure, and heart breaking- but I think it will be so fabulous at the same time!
This prospect thrills me to no end!!

Ireland missing days.....

I miss Ireland.
I miss walking around the streets, praying and jamming out to my ipod.
I miss the simplicity
I miss saturdays of going to the market and window shopping on Grafton Street
I miss Insomnia coffee
I miss our favourite chinese restaurant
I miss the graffitti on everything
I miss walking down my street after work and being greeting by 10 screaming children.
I miss my door bell ringing 100 times a day
I miss finding creative spots to hang my laundry because the dryer did not work.
I miss wandering to Mace at 8pm just for something to do.
I miss movies with the girls
I miss house church
I miss Sunday School
I miss beautiful polish friends
I miss Sunday dinners
I miss worshipping with anything we could find around the house (a can of nails, a pot and spoon, etc)
I miss Greystones
I miss sitting on the rocks, looking at the ocean and realizing how small I am and how big God is
I miss beach days where the water would be so cold, and the waves would always push Tasha down!
I miss the pubs and the laughter and dancing
I miss the train ride through Dublin
I miss the Irish Sea
I miss the cool breeze and mist everywhere all the time
I miss how green it was
I miss the double decker buses.
I miss the celtic harp player on Grafton Street
I miss the street preachers
I miss the protests
I miss taking trips to belfast
I miss going to the airport to greet people coming to visit
I miss working at the bank and the awesome people there
I miss talking on the phone to Irish people I could not understand
I miss visiting people and holding babies and playing tag until it was so dark out that we could not see.
I miss feeling God in a tangible way
I miss my heart aching because I loved the country so much
I miss having nothing, becasue its when I had nothing, I actually had everything. It was when I had nothing I felt most alive.

I need to go back. I left my heart there.

Worlds worst blogger! yay

I have not written on this thing in ages, welcome to the story of my life really. I should not be allowed to have a blog becasue I am probably the worst blogger in history. I go months without ever writing anything!

Things have been quite the hectic since finally settling down in Regina again. Its so weird how easily I just fit back in and got into the business of life here. I am currently working 2 jobs and just recently a third for a while, and I am taking 3 classes towards my social work degree! So I am really tired, but I know this is where God has me for the time being and I am trying to be at peace and be content in learning and growing more.

I love going to school. I love to learn. Its stressful with all the pressure and deadlines and trying to work enough to make rent, but I am so passionate about social work and so excited to finally be back in a routine for a while where I feel like I am accomplishing something! Exciting!

I was really angry and bitter about Ireland when I first got back home- I never really wanted to ever set foot in Ireland again to be honest, but now I miss it. God is slowly allowing me to see how much I do love that country, but it had to be a hard two years so I would grow up.

If I am honest with myself I know that Ireland changed me for the better, even if it was hard as hell and it left some bruises.

I want to go back some day, and I know I will because my vision for that place and those kids has not died. I also have such a huge heart to go back to Africa, and I want to go to India and Afghanistan and Norway and Sweden! I can't wait! But for now, I am content being with my family and friends and growing in this season.

Everything in me is being challenged and my mindsets are being torn down and renewed, but I trust that I will come out stronger.

Heappy Saskatoon Days...

So, I have been in Saskatoon since Sunday, visiting my mum. Its been pretty good times. So crazy just the convenience of Canada. Being able to get in the car and drive wherever you want to go... WALMART- is like the ultimate convenience becasue everything you could possibly want and need is there!!

So yeah I guess I could say I am definatly enjoying myself. Its just ridiculously comfortable. Which worries me a tad becasue I don't want to get apathetic, but at the same time, its great to relax a bit.

My mum is great times and her and I have been running around like crazy people getting me ready for school. She bought me a laptop... an early Christmas present... so hello I now have a chance to update my blog regularly. Well, as regularly as possible as I have to get ready for school, and move into a new place with Shelley before I start working and classes. So I have a feeling these next couple weeks is going to be so insanely busy. Not to mention that there are still loads of people I want to see before they move away... MOH JEN SANDERS, AND KRISTINE, AND TINA!! So crazy, everyone is moving away!

But there are still awesome people here to hang with- and I am totally stoked to move in with Shelley! I love Shelley! yay!

I miss Dublin today though, and Jen! Oh the simple life we lead in Dublin!

Anyways, enough ramblings for the moment...

KiKi

Home

So, I am finally back home in Canada, after one of the most stressful and exhausting flight patterns I have ever endured. It's so crazy being back... I am really excited becasue I know God has good things planned for this year.

So I am just relaxing and unwinding from Ireland now, and trying to figure out how to keep the vision alive while I move forward with school and a time in Canada.

Thoughts on going home...

So, I finally made a decision (well I really made the decision like 3 weeks ago, but I am really bad at maintaining this thing) that I am going home in August. I am leaving Dublin on August 7th, and I am homeward bound.

God is leading me into such a different season of my life. A season where I need to trust Him in going to school and living in Regina for a while, and not on the front lines of missions but at the same time always in a state of ministry with those around me. I catch myself saying that it will be different ''not ministering'' for a while. But actually, I will never ''not be ministering'' because my definition of ministry is so broad. Sharing about Jesus is ministry and there will never be a point where I don't do that. Where I don't share my faith with someone, because it is who I am.

There are a lot of factors that came into my decision to go home and go to school for a while...Some I would rather admit did not influence me, but it would be a lie if I said that certain things had no influence.

Like the fact that this year took a lot out of me. I battled with things I never thought I would, and I know it is good because I am learning and growing, but it does not change the fact that when I do get on the plane to go home, I will be exhausted and some what relieved to enter a sanctuary with God.

I have felt for a while that my priorities are messed up when it comes to God, family and ministry. For so long I have been choosing ministry in an attempt to fix my walk with God. That has never been what ministry was intended for and I am quickly learning that lesson the hard way. God needs to be first and He is taking away everything in my life that is before Him. I am stubborn so I fight him on this from time to time, but in the end, all I can really do is surrender. In the end, all any of us can really do is surrender.

I am going to school because I want to make a bigger difference in the world I see around me. There is nothing worse than seeing a need and not being able to do anything about it. Don't get me wrong, I believe prayer and love are two of the most important things I can do to help and I am trying my best to do those. But I also want training behind me to really make a difference, to get people out of the situations they are in and show them that someone cares enough to change their circumstances. So that's why I have also chosen Social Work.

So, yeah I am scared as hell, because I have never come to a point where I have to take a step back from what I thought was going to happen (and fought to happen honestly) and allow God to release me into a new season where I will be stretched in finding who I am in God more deeply and out of that will come ministry in the future. After my priorities get healthy and I can be in a place where I can stand on my own confident in who my God is and where He is taking me.

So scary time, but exciting time, because He sees the bigger picture and I am so short sighted its not even funny!!

KiKi bought a pretty dress!!

So, since Dublin is like fashion central! I figured that I could not leave without buying something pretty! So I bought a pretty dress. Also I was feeling kind of left out with Jen and Muss and Tina getting pretty Dublin dresses! So here it is in all its coral and brown glory. Haha!! Yay!

Every girl needs a JCB hardhat!!

Captivated.....

''My lover spoke and said to me,"Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me.
See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me.'' -Song of Songs 2: 10-13

PICTURE TIME!

Here is a picture of Kat and I when she came to visit us. This is my favourite bunny hug ever!! Becasue its yellow!! And of course I have much love for Kat's incredible David Hasslehof shirt!!
This is Jen and I on our girls night out at Eddie Rockets in Dublin!! So much fun!!
This would be me if I were ever to change my name to Champagne and choose another profession! Just kidding! We had left over hair from when we put braided extensions in Andrea's hair and I decided to have a good time!
This is my brothers hot new electric guitar! He paid a fortune for it, but its so pretty!!
And finally, this is my new tattoo, all healed and looking not as red and yucky!! So happy I got it!

All for now!
KiKi

I actually got a tattoo!!!!

So, as you can see by the picture, I finally got my tattoo!!! I am really excited about it!! Jen and I have been planning on getting tattoo's together in Ireland since we came the very fist time, and now it has finally happened.

We made appointments this week to get them done yesterday at 1pm. So we got up and headed down to a tattoo parlour called ''Art Tattoo'' which is owned by an Italian guy named ''Michele'' who is friends with James and Jacob and all the feast guys! I met him a few years ago when Jortosh came to visit Jacob and ever since I wanted to get a tattoo from him someday because he is such a great artist and does absolutely beautiful work!!

So Jen and I went at 12 and picked out what we wanted and with the help of Michele and Miguel and a few other guys working, they designed my tattoo and one for Jen which is also beautiful (I wish I had a picture) that she got on our wrist!!

So then came the time to actually get the tattoo. Now let me just say to everyone who says it does not hurt- IT DOES!! IT REALLY DOES!!! Well, not to mention the fact that I got my first tattoo on my foot, which is suppose to be one of the most painful places!! Go me. Jen got hers on her wrist, which she said was also so painful! I cant even imagine how much that one must have hurt!!

So yeah, I will put up more pictures when I have them, Tasha came with us and documented the whole thing.

SO, now we are just nursing our very sore tattoo's, but so excited about them.

I will explain a bit about mine. I got the trinity symbol to represent of course the trinity and also my time in Ireland becasue of the whole celtic theme behind the trinity, and Isaiah 61 is the verse God gave me when He not only called me to Ireland, but into missions, and I was reminded of it again this past summer when I went through deliverance. So it really means alot to me, and I am so thrilled to have it as a reminder of the commitment I made to God and the promises God has made to me.

Here is what the verse says:

'' The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning,and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations. Aliens will shepherd your flocks;foreigners will work your fields and vineyards. And you will be called priests of the LORD, you will be named ministers of our God. You will feed on the wealth of nations, and in their riches you will boast. Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion,and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs. "For I, the LORD, love justice; I hate robbery and iniquity. In my faithfulness I will reward them and make an everlasting covenant with them. Their descendants will be known among the nations and their offspring among the peoples. All who see them will acknowledge that they are a people the LORD has blessed." I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations.''

This verse is also so my prayer for Ireland! I just love it, means so much!!

So there you have it, my new tattoo!! yay!!

Love,

Kiki

I LOVE THE FLIP!!!

It has been a while once again since I have last written on here. I am so not good at maintaining a blog!! Probably becasue I have the attension span of a 3 year old when it comes to actually sitting down to do personal emailing and internet time becasue I spend so much of my life on a computer at work! Yuck!

Jen and Muss' blogs are so pretty! Hahaha, cant help but be a tad jealous about their creative stylin's!

I bought the cutest card for my mum today- its a picture of a mum and a little girl looking at each other and they both have curlers in their hair and they are laughing...its in black and white... reminds me of me and my mum becasue apprently I used to copy her every move when she would get ready in the morning! Aw, miss her!

Anyways, so its getting nicer out, which always makes Dublin a bit more tolerable! I have been such a beach bum that past few weeks. Just hanging out at the beach every chance I get. Its just so darn beautiful and I love laying in the sun. Helps me chill out a bit!

I have been so stressed lately about my stupid future. Do I stay in Dublin? Do I go home and be with my family and get an education? I did not get my visa like they were hoping to get me with work so makes it a bit more likely that I am going home.

Going home is really what is in my heart to do. I want an education. I want to be with my family and get my walk with God straightend out. I am tired. I love Dublin and the kids, they are my life so I know I will be back to see them- but I feel like this season is coming to a close.

Mind you, is that just me saying that or God? Always seems to be the struggle.

Anyhoo, I think I am pretty much done rambling! I am going to head home before my flip flop addiction overcomes me and I go to Penney's and buy 4 more pairs! I am lethal in the summer!! I just want all the flips!!! I like how I waited until the end of my post to explain the picture of the flip flips. But seriously, Old Navy ones are the best!!! Once you get Old Navy you can' t go back! Can't wait for my love affair to continue when I come home!

Kind of crazy!

KiKi

''Soul Cravings'' and Time Change!!

I am reading a really cool book at the moment by Erwin McManus called ''Soul Cravings''- I really recommend it. Erwin McManus is a fabulous writer and speaker. The book covers a variety of subjects and its kind of in the form of a journal, and Erwin bascially just talks about what is on his heart, from love, to hate and violence, to God. It is really making me think.

I read part of it this morning that talks about love and hate and how they are so close to eachother. He talks about everyones need for love, its a need that has not evolved with the generations. Without love, we enter a world of isolation and hate and thats where violence and corruption comes from. I don't explain it as well as he does, but its intense and very true.

I also bought a book yesterday called ''Blue Like Jazz''- Tasha says it is such an awesome book- so I am really excited to read that one as well!! Oh the love for books I have when I am sitting at a computer all day waiting for the phone to ring.

I had to teach sunday school this morning- and so I had no idea what I was going to teach on so I left a big early to try and get my head around a lesson before the class started. So I got to church and to my dismay the service was already going on. Now we have 2 services at our church- one at 9 and one at half 11, so me being me, I was like wow, the early service is very long today as it was already like 11:35. My sunday school lesson started at 12.

So by about 12:00 I asked someone, I was like ''is this the first service or the second? Because I am teaching in the second and they have not released the kids to their classes yet'' ....and the poor lady I was talking to got a horrified look on her face and was like ''um, love, this is the second service, the clocks moved an hour ahead this morning so its now 1:00!''
So needless to say, I bolted to my classroom to see my teenage helper looking dismayed trying to entertain 15, 3 year olds with playdoe. Oh, I am so awesome!

So, with that excitement out of the way, Jen and I are off to do some shopping and then cleaning!Back to work tomorrow!!

Dublin and such.....

I have decided that it is probably about time I update my blog. I haven't used the internet long enough to even consider updating this thing!

So, I have been in Dublin now for like 4 months now! So crazy! It has been really hard but lots of fun at the same time! I am not going to even go into the craziness that has been the last 4 months. Check out our Ireland blog if you want an update! Yeah thats right I am lazy!

So, I just spent the last 4 hours at the crazy chinese internet shop downloading music onto my new pink ipod (so excited!). I am off work today becasue I have a lame chest infection or something to that affect. So it will be bed for me soon! Wow, what an exciting life I lead!

Staff part tomorrow night- pretty excited about that as we are going to a Japanese Karaoke bar! Should be intensly funny especially since everyone on my team plans on being completely toasted before even entering the karaoke bar! So hopefully I feel better so I can drink my coke and laugh at everyone.

I think we might go out to a beautiful part of Ireland this weekend called Powerscourt. Its part of Wexford and has a waterfall!! Yay! I have never seen a live waterfall before, so God willing the weather will be nice and we will own it!

Anyways, I am starting to like Dublin again as the weather is getting nicer and its now so dreary! Can't wait for it to get warmer! I love summer so much!

I emailed my travel agent today as well about moving my plane ticket up a couple weeks so I can start school in september. How crazy would that be if I came home long enough to get a degree! Still praying becasue I just want what God wants!

Anyways, enough of my ramblings! Heading home to drug myself up and sleep!