I have been home for like a month and a bit now...so crazy that it is going by so fast!! God has done so much so far this summer- He has been so faithful and so good, and really helped me to deal with my heart and a lot of the bad stuff that happened in Ireland. I met a fantastic Christian couple who are taking me through deliverance and helping me to find true freedom in Christ, and I am so thankful for that, but its so overwhelming at the same time. God is doing a fast work in me, so its heart wrenching.
I have so much on my heart, and so much that I need to deal with.....I walk around numb most days because I just don't know where to begin, but at the same time, God has given me so much peace, and so much joy about finding true freedom. I am halfway there, and if I have this much peace halfway through, imagine the peace that will come with true surrender and freedom in Him!
Now, I am at an awkward stage, because I am starting to get healthy and walk in truth, and see what needs to be done...but its hard, and I don't want to admit alot of the stuff God is bringing me into, and I really don't want to surrender the things that God is asking me too...not becasue I don't want freedom, but becasue it hurts so much. Surrendering my family- breaks my heart...surrendering my friends- God has had to take away alot of them in order to get me healthy so I am doing okay there- surrendering my future and my visions and goals and my ministry- break my heart. I know that it hurts so much becasue at a heart level I do not trust God and what He has for me- but it doesn't change the fact that it needs to happen regardless of how I feel. I know the truth.
I do not know if I will be going back to Ireland in October and that terrifies me. It terrifies me becasue if God asks me not too, then I feel that it will be becasue I did not do a good enough job. I know that my work in Ireland is not done, and so I will be back there, but its God timing. I just don't want to hurt anyone, and prove anyone right.
I just want to cry.
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