Anti-Christmas

I must say that I HATE Christmas.

Its so commercial, and everyone is miserable because its impossible to make everyone happy.
Its the hardest time of year for so many people who have no families, no food, and who have lost everything.

It seems to have lost all meaning- its really just another day.

Therefore next year, I am going away for Christmas and celebrating no more- there is much less pressure that way.

Don't get me wrong, I will always celebrate Jesus and His birth because thats what its REALLY all about- but the rest of it, I can't stand and refuse to live under the expectation of gift giving and trying to make sure everyone is happy.

"Shipwreck" by Starfield

I built a fortress
With a hundred thousand faces
I'll keep it safe
With a hundred thousand more
But these masks are wearing thin
As You draw me in

I spent my time
On the empty and the fleeting
I spent my life
On much less than I'd dreamed
But I'm reaching out to you
To make me new'

Cause I am just a beggar here at Your door
I am just a shipwreck here on Your shore
I come empty handed
Ready to seeYour life in me changing who I've been
To who I need to be

You tell me my story
As You sift between the pages
I feel redemption
In the space between each turn
Could You take me in Your arms
And tell it just once more
Could You take me in Your arms
And tell it just once more

Frustrated.

I really wish that I knew who I was.
I seem to catch glimpses of it sometimes, but then just as quick as it came, its gone again.

I wish I really knew who God was.
I would not have so many trust issues if I actually knew and trusted His heart.

I want to be secure in who I am and who God is. That is where my identity is and I am always going to be running from one thing to another until I figure it out.

I am frustrated. I am not happy. I just want to be myself, but I need to figure out who that is before that can happen.

New Plan!

I am pretty sure I am going to take the Missing Women in Mexico course in May!! That means after my winter semester- I am going to take this course on Missing Women through Luther University and it includes a 2 week trip to Mexico City to attend confrences and work with families who have been victims of women going missing. Its going to be intense I am sure, and heart breaking- but I think it will be so fabulous at the same time!
This prospect thrills me to no end!!

Ireland missing days.....

I miss Ireland.
I miss walking around the streets, praying and jamming out to my ipod.
I miss the simplicity
I miss saturdays of going to the market and window shopping on Grafton Street
I miss Insomnia coffee
I miss our favourite chinese restaurant
I miss the graffitti on everything
I miss walking down my street after work and being greeting by 10 screaming children.
I miss my door bell ringing 100 times a day
I miss finding creative spots to hang my laundry because the dryer did not work.
I miss wandering to Mace at 8pm just for something to do.
I miss movies with the girls
I miss house church
I miss Sunday School
I miss beautiful polish friends
I miss Sunday dinners
I miss worshipping with anything we could find around the house (a can of nails, a pot and spoon, etc)
I miss Greystones
I miss sitting on the rocks, looking at the ocean and realizing how small I am and how big God is
I miss beach days where the water would be so cold, and the waves would always push Tasha down!
I miss the pubs and the laughter and dancing
I miss the train ride through Dublin
I miss the Irish Sea
I miss the cool breeze and mist everywhere all the time
I miss how green it was
I miss the double decker buses.
I miss the celtic harp player on Grafton Street
I miss the street preachers
I miss the protests
I miss taking trips to belfast
I miss going to the airport to greet people coming to visit
I miss working at the bank and the awesome people there
I miss talking on the phone to Irish people I could not understand
I miss visiting people and holding babies and playing tag until it was so dark out that we could not see.
I miss feeling God in a tangible way
I miss my heart aching because I loved the country so much
I miss having nothing, becasue its when I had nothing, I actually had everything. It was when I had nothing I felt most alive.

I need to go back. I left my heart there.