Great sermon today....

Today I wasn't planning on going to church becasue I woke up so tired, but God had a different plan. I had this crazy dream after I hit my alarm and ended up convicted about not going. So I got up and threw on some clothes and made my way down to church and I am glad to say that it was well worth it.

I really prayed during my worship time that I would really beable to connect to God. Like not just sing the words, and lift my hands, but really feel God's heart and praise Him for who He is despite the fact that I don't always like the way He works. I had a hard time entering in but through this 15 year old boy in the church God really spoke to me. He got up in front of the church, so scared, but he said He had a word from God. We went on to talk about lifting up our heads to focus on the Lord because it is finished. He talked about how we dont have to come into His presence ashamed because of what we have done because Jesus died for that shame. We can come boldly and confidently to the throne room of our Lord. That really ministered to my heart because it is a concept I have heard over and over, but never realized just how much it affects my walk with God.

It is like as soon as I do something wrong, or fall into the same sin over and over, I just feel so ashamed and like God would never want me in His presence. So I don't go there. But I really felt like what that young lad was saying was for me. God has really been showing me a lot about who He is. He is a God of grace, and compassion, and love. He is a jealous God and all He wants is for His children to come home.

The pastor went on to give a great sermon on confidence and how if we truly want to be confident people we need to be confident in God. He talked from Psalm 27. His main points were basically that our confidence needs to be:

1) Based on the Living God
2) Based on a finished work
3) and Based on a future Glory

He then went on to pick apart every problem we face, depression, fear, rejection, trouble, stress, anxiety...etc. Every single problem or trouble we face has been taken care of. It is finished work because of what Jesus has done for us. If we put our confidence in the Lord than nothing can shake us.

It was great and exactly what I needed to hear. All I have to do is lift up my head because that is where my help comes from. It is finished and I no longer have to be condemed or ashamed, not because of who I am but because of who my God is. I am pretty stoked about this massive, yet simple, foundational revelation.

I may be rejected, forsaken, depressed, anxious, worried and ashamed. But my God is my light, my salvation, my stronghold, my beauty, my safety, my covering, my encouragement and my mercy. AND because of all that I am free. Yay!

I swear that this song was written about me!

"I Need You To Love Me"- Barlow Girls

Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You

[Chorus:]
But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been

This song hurts my heart becasue it is SOOOO my heart.

This song really spoke to me today....

Artist: Alana Grace Lyrics
Song: Black Roses Red Lyrics

Can I ask you a question please
Promise you won't laugh at me
Honestly I'm standing here
Afraid I'll be betrayed.
As twisted as it seems, I only fear love when it's in my dreams
So let the morning light come in and let the darkness fade away
Chorus:
Can you turn my black roses red?
Can you turn my black roses red?

Drowning in my loneliness
How long must I hold my breath
So much emptiness inside I could fill the deepest sea
I reach to the sky as the moon looks on
One last year has come and gonne
It's time to let your love rain down on me

Can you turn my black roses red? (x3)
Cuz
I'm feelin like I'll blame it on love (x6)

Can you turn my black roses red? (x3)
Cuz I'm feelin like I'll blame in on love
I'm feeling like I'll blame it on love (until fades)

Dandelions

I got to spend a whole day with the kids of the neighborhood today. It was the most fantastic day and it put so much into perspective. I never thought that making braclets out of dandelions would ever change things as much as it did.

I got to read stories, chase kids, be a human jungle gym, cuddle kids and laugh. It makes me cry to think about how special that time was, and how much each one of those kids mean to me! I love them so much.

It reminded me why I do what I do. Once again I found myself in a position where I needed that reminder, and once again God in His faithfulness provided. But it was so much more than that. I realized the extent of my selfishness. My desire to go home, my desire to have things my way completely distracted me of the one thing that will make me the most happy- realizing that it is NOT ABOUT ME.

I want to make a difference here, for those kids who are so desperate for someone to listen to them. I want to make a difference even if it means that I spend the rest of my life hugging children in a foreign country away from everyone I know and love.

I keep thinking that if the opporunity to go home early and never come back came that I would go for it and move on. But yesterday reminded me that I wouldnt trade my time here with these kids for anything. I have so much to learn from them.

Grace

My heart has been kind of a mess lately. My head has been even worse. I have been struggling alot with what seems like a never ending list. I have so much fear and so many insecurities. I feel like I have so much to prove but am failing miserably at the same time.

I know that I am the only one who holds the expectations so high that they can never be met. I let myself down everytime and then I get upset and insecure and beat myself up for having the expectation in the first place. That in itself creates a whole new expecation- that I should have learned by now that my old ways will never work. Its just a vicious cycle really.

I can see the end point but its hazy. I know where I want to be, I want passion, I want freedom, I want to walk in the truth, I want to be strong, I want to be in love, I want to serve and make His name known. I want to serve my God with reckless passion and wild abandonment. I want to be everything I am not right now.

I have been learning alot about grace lately becasue I am reading a book by Philip Yancy- its really reminding me of who God is. The God I serve doesnt want me to have insane expectations of myself, He doesnt want me coming into His presence ashamed and condemed becasue no matter how hard I try- I fall.

''As far as the east is from the west thats how far He has removed our transgressions from us. (psalm 20:12)''

This is the truth bouncing around in my heart and in my mind, yet why dont I grab ahold of it and live it. Maybe becasue it sounds just too good to be true. I know the truth and I still choose to live in the darkness I have always known. It makes me sad.

Abba, I just pray that you would really reveal to your children how to truly walk in the freedom of grace. Grace for others, and grace for ourselves becasue of the grace you constantly give to us. I pray that I would beable to stand confidently in your presence knowing that I am forgiven and loved by the love that is everlasting.
Amen.