Here In My Life- Hillsongs United

This song just blessed my heart today....

I have never walked on water
Felt the waves beneath my feet but
At your Word Lord, I’ll receive Your
Faith to walk on oceans deep
And I remember how You found me:
In that very same place
All my failing surely would've drowned me
But You made a way

You are my freedom
Jesus you’re the reason
I’m kneeling again at Your throne
Where would I be without You
Here in my life, here in my life?

You have said that all the heavens
Sing for joy at one who finds
The way to freedom, truth of Jesus
Bought from death into His life
And I remember how You saw me:
Through the eyes of Your grace
And though the cost was Your beloved for me
Still you made a way!

Trust

I can feel you moving closer now, drawing me deeper into Your heart and You moving into new area's of my heart that I have never let you before. This has been the cry of my heart. But I have to be honest, I have never been so scared.

You Won't Relent

You won't relent
Until You have it all
My heart is Yours

I'll set You as a seal upon my heart
As a seal upon my arm
For there is love that is as strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
And many waters cannot quench this love

Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Come be the fire inside of me
Until You and I are one

I am so thankful for grace. I am so thankful for freedom. I am so thankful that I can come before my Saviour JUST as I am...that I do not have to clean myself up, and recite prayers and fast and offer sacrifices before He will see me. I can enter His courts with confidence and boldness knowing that He loves me just as I am... that He sent His son to die for my sins, PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE!!! I am thankful that He has a secret place of rest for me and He knows me better than I know myself. What fabulous love... what jealous love... I keep having revelation after revelation of His love for me.. and the more I get filled up by His Holy Spirit, the more in awe I am of His beauty and the freedom Jesus brings!!! Oh happy day!!!!

Renewal

So many new things going on lately! I was so nervous about starting another season of school, another season of extreme business. I got so seriously burnt out last semester- so this year I am trying to be careful. God is so good, He is really reminding me that I am a different place completely and things will not look the same at all.

Where to even start. Well, my first week of school were brutal.. I did not want to be there at all and was a tad discouraged about it. But then I had my first Social Work class and things just seemed to "click." My new favourite moment is that sudden realization that you are EXACTLY where you are suppose to be. You get an adrenaline rush of extreme joy and complete peace and satisfaction, because you know that THIS is what you were meant to do, THIS is WHO YOU ARE! If you have never felt that feeling, you need to keep going until you do. It is epic.

I also have started a kids church- which let me tell you is no easy task... but at the end of every Sunday I am so happy and satisfied. I love the kids I minister too so deeply. They teach me so much and they are ALL so completely beautiful and gifted. I am so blessed to have such an amazing opportunity to teach these kids about Jesus and watch them grow.

Also. my best friend is moving in with me this weekend. I am so happy to live with her again! We have lived apart for almost a year now, which is so crazy! It has been good for us.. but I am so excited to live with her again! To laugh lots and stay up late with cereal and Buffy when we know we should be doing homework. Oh the beauty of it all. I love her to bits. I love all my friends to bits! Pretty stoked for Meredith moving to Strasbourg too, to embark on a new adventure. She deserves an adventure!!!

I can't believe how awesome things are turning out so far this year. God is really so, so, good to me. I am in awe of everyday and I am really, really happy. I am falling deeply in love with God's heart again too, which makes me so joyful and relieved. I thought I had lost my ability to feel that pure love burning in me. But Jesus is renewing me. He has taken me through a season of hell, and brought me into a season of life.

Maturity brings wisdom...
What happens, when the wisdom is there, but the maturity to back it up is absent.
Results: a tortured spirit.

Torture!

So, as I am sure everyone who actually reads this blog (which is probably just Jen) is already aware (thanks too my awesome friends), I pulled ligaments in my foot and ankle on thursday because I was chasing a duck. Now, let me just clear up that I was not "full on" chasing this duck, I was just trying to make it move a little so I could see its cute babies. Anyhoo, it ended up being a disaster, and needless to say, there will be no duck chasing in my near future. Which brings me to my rant for the eve.... CRUTCHES. They are seriously the meanest invention ever! They make me hurt more than the initital injury did! It is just cruel.. and what is worse? You have to PAY MONEY for them. Thats right, you have to pay 30 dollars to be tortured. So I paid 30 dollars to want to tear off my limbs and beat myself with them because it would feel better then jabbing these sticks into my armpits everytime I take a step.
Hahaha, I am clearly not bitter at all.
So I have decided to boycott this torture device and have locked them in the trunk of my car. Yeah it is hard for me to hobble around, and it is still painful, but you know what, not as painful as the sticks of death that I refuse to use, I guess that is what they gave me t3's for!

The rant is now done and I am now going to bed feeling quite satisfied with my decision. Yay!

Love Rantings.

I shared a word with my house church on Sunday that God has really laid heavy on my heart. It is something that is so obvious, but yet something that God is growing so deep inside me and I learn more about everyday. Its about love, and who we are in Christ, and who the church is in Christ. Every time I think I have a handle on it, God keeps taking it deeper and rooting me even more in this foundational truth.

Love is God and God is love. Everything is perfect in love. Love conquers all fear and death. It never fails. It has the victory.

1 Corinthians 13 (These three remain, faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love)
Song of Songs (Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it).
Ephesians 3:17 (May your roots go down deep in His love).
1 John
Romans
etc. etc. etc.

The scripture list goes on and on. Over and over again it speaks of God's love and that it is the greatest command, the greatest emotion, the victory that we are looking for. It is such a simple message, but so hard to grasp. We as Christians run day in and day out perfecting ministry, looking for a black and white answer of what the church is suppose to look like and what we are suppose to look like. We want a formula and more religious rhetoric to tell us exactly how to live our lives in order to go to heaven. But we are missing the point.

God has NOT put us into a religious box. We have put ourselves there because of fear. Our fear to do something so radical that it challenges everything that religion is made of, and everything that this world sees as normal. It is love. Love knows no religion, it knows no barriers. It does not have a set formula. I honestly think that if we can get our priorities straight and really start walking in love (myself in included here!!) and learning that this is who God is and really what He is about, then there will not be so much pressure to conform and preform anymore.

We are more than conquerors. All we need is love.

BLISS!! Ireland and Summer's coming!!!

Summer is coming and I am getting excited!!! Weooo!

I only have like 14 days of class left, which is seriously awesome!! I am going to take a few spring classes, since I am not going to Mexico anymore :(. But those spring classes go by SO fast! Then no summer classes for me! I would have the concentration of an ant (mind you I usually have that concentration level now) if I had to go to school in the summer- it is just so WRONG.

I am excited to swim in my dad's pool, and suntan, and going walking outside. I just seriously love everything about summer and can hardly wait!

I think in anticipation I am going to boycott shoes and start wearing my flip flops now. Yes, I know there is still snow on the ground, but I just wan't wait any longer :)

I really wish I had the money to go back to Ireland for the summer- but I do not, so I will just have to enjoy being here. Working full time, and having fun in between! Maybe if I start saving now I will have the money to go back to Ireland next summer and visit!

St. Paddy's day is coming soon as well! I almost forgot that it is on monday!! hurrah! Mind you it will not be as fun as actually being in Dublin, but I will make it fun! I am determined!!

More than blissed out thinking about Ireland and summer,

KiKi

Black Pepper and Darfur Rantings....

I had a fabulous night tonight. I normally hang out with the girl every friday and saturday night. Tonight it was no different in that aspect (except the absence of Muss), but instead of the norm, we went to the library to see a documentary on the genocide in Darfur, called "Darfur Now", and then we went to the Black Pepper to listen to some live music and have a few cocktails.

The piano bar was amazing. They had a live band who was just pure talent, I was so impressed. The pianist blew my mind, I only wish I could play half as well as he could!! It is such a lovely atmosphere and there were the nicest people there ever. I think that everyone should check it out - it was a blast.

"Darfur Now" was completely fabulous. They did a very good job of portraying what was going on in Darfur and also the fight for the voice of the people in Darfur to be heard. The only thing that I did not really agree with was them portraying the UN as taken action to help stop the "genocide" in Darfur, when the UN has not even declared the situation in that country to be genocide!! Don't even get me started about this!! That movie gave me some hope that at least there still are people out there fighting to make a difference, not matter how small. It makes me sick to think that our world is sitting back and allowing the same thing that happened in Rwanda to happen to millions of innocent men, women and children in Darfur because it costs too much money to admit that genocide is taking place once again and that we need to be taking immediate action to fight this mass scale crime against humanity. I really want to make a difference, if I had the money I could fly over there right now and offer what I can, or be an advocate or whatever, but for now I just continue to pray, and to support those who are challenging the systems to not allow this to go on any longer.

Just because a crisis like this is not happening in our community, city or even country does not excuse us from our hearts breaking for these people and doing nothing to help. I believe that even the slightest efforts can make a difference and I really believe that there can be peace in Darfur if enough people stood up and refused to let this happen again. I think that we can come to a place where we have compassion for these people because we can recognize that just like us, they have families and children and lives, and they are being destroyed, raped and murdered and that is something that no one would wish on anyone.

This world breaks my heart.

Reading Break? I think not my friends!

Ok seriously, I do not understand why we in Canada insist on calling spring break, "reading week". Honestly, I do not think that I have done less reading in MY LIFE. Its kind of depressing really, it is like as soon as I hear that I have a week to catch up on all the reading and the papers and the studying for midterms, something inside me goes... ''no, you know what Kristie, you deserve a week to do nothing. Thats right, do everything BUT homework this week.'' But you know if I actually did my reading and homework when I was not on a break, this would not be such an issue.
Pretty much everyone I know has the same opinion of reading week, its a nice week to relax and do nothing and come the saturday and maybe sunday night before school starts again, the panic sets in! The "OH MY GOD, I HAVE FOUR PAPERS DUE TOMORROW MORNING alarm goes off.'' It happens every year! I honestly think that there should be no assignments given on reading week, and instead it is a week dedicated to doing nothing, which is what most of us, not so eagar student do anyways!!
I even cleaned my house top to bottom, did about eight loads of laundry and have watched most of my movie collection, just to avoid the homework. But alas, it is once again drawing to an end and the panick is setting in.
I will never learn.

If I had a million dollars....

Can I just say... that I LOVE SHOPPING!!! I honestly can say that shopping when I have money is one of my favourite pass times. Call me superficial, but I just find breezing through malls really relaxing and even if you are alone, its all around fabulous! The worst part is, I love shopping on saturdays, when its SO busy and people hate each other, haha, just makes me smile! My mom always tells me that I would do so well with a million dollars- and let me tell you, I totally would!!
So for the past two days in celebration of reading week I have been shopping! I do not get to shop WITH money very often, so this was VERY exciting!!
On friday I went shopping with Muss, it was fabulous, we went clothes shopping and shoe shopping! It was epic and might I just add in how much I love the new clothes at OLD NAVY!!(I know I am such a nerd-BTW!!) and then today I went to Superstore with Shelley, which was fabulous times and then to Walmart with Jen, so really, can't go wrong!!
Jen and I were suppose to go to the Warhol exhibit today, but by the time she got ready and I was done shopping we did not have much time and since I am like the biggest Andy Warhol fan, I think I need a whole afternoon to dedicate to this exhibit.
I also did something very exciting for the first time today and I am very proud of myself! I put together- all my MYSELF- a book case!! I was so excited because I am so not the type to do stuff like that. It may have taken me like 2 hours, but I did it!! Hurrah! Simple joys, really, I am all about it!!
Its nice every once in a while to have a few days where you just take joy in little things and stop thinking so dam hard about all the crap that goes on in the world and all the thing you need to do.
Little things make me happy :)

Weird...

It's a really odd feeling, to want to write but have no words.
To want to express emotion, but feel completely void.
To want to find something solid, but find nothing but a blur.

I feel like a wave tossing around in the ocean.

I am just tired. Really tired of not being who I want to be.

I am feeling very discouraged by Christmas and the New year, but I figure since its a new start I should make an effort.

New Years resolution #1: Figure out who I want to be and be it.

Anti-Christmas

I must say that I HATE Christmas.

Its so commercial, and everyone is miserable because its impossible to make everyone happy.
Its the hardest time of year for so many people who have no families, no food, and who have lost everything.

It seems to have lost all meaning- its really just another day.

Therefore next year, I am going away for Christmas and celebrating no more- there is much less pressure that way.

Don't get me wrong, I will always celebrate Jesus and His birth because thats what its REALLY all about- but the rest of it, I can't stand and refuse to live under the expectation of gift giving and trying to make sure everyone is happy.

"Shipwreck" by Starfield

I built a fortress
With a hundred thousand faces
I'll keep it safe
With a hundred thousand more
But these masks are wearing thin
As You draw me in

I spent my time
On the empty and the fleeting
I spent my life
On much less than I'd dreamed
But I'm reaching out to you
To make me new'

Cause I am just a beggar here at Your door
I am just a shipwreck here on Your shore
I come empty handed
Ready to seeYour life in me changing who I've been
To who I need to be

You tell me my story
As You sift between the pages
I feel redemption
In the space between each turn
Could You take me in Your arms
And tell it just once more
Could You take me in Your arms
And tell it just once more

Frustrated.

I really wish that I knew who I was.
I seem to catch glimpses of it sometimes, but then just as quick as it came, its gone again.

I wish I really knew who God was.
I would not have so many trust issues if I actually knew and trusted His heart.

I want to be secure in who I am and who God is. That is where my identity is and I am always going to be running from one thing to another until I figure it out.

I am frustrated. I am not happy. I just want to be myself, but I need to figure out who that is before that can happen.

New Plan!

I am pretty sure I am going to take the Missing Women in Mexico course in May!! That means after my winter semester- I am going to take this course on Missing Women through Luther University and it includes a 2 week trip to Mexico City to attend confrences and work with families who have been victims of women going missing. Its going to be intense I am sure, and heart breaking- but I think it will be so fabulous at the same time!
This prospect thrills me to no end!!

Ireland missing days.....

I miss Ireland.
I miss walking around the streets, praying and jamming out to my ipod.
I miss the simplicity
I miss saturdays of going to the market and window shopping on Grafton Street
I miss Insomnia coffee
I miss our favourite chinese restaurant
I miss the graffitti on everything
I miss walking down my street after work and being greeting by 10 screaming children.
I miss my door bell ringing 100 times a day
I miss finding creative spots to hang my laundry because the dryer did not work.
I miss wandering to Mace at 8pm just for something to do.
I miss movies with the girls
I miss house church
I miss Sunday School
I miss beautiful polish friends
I miss Sunday dinners
I miss worshipping with anything we could find around the house (a can of nails, a pot and spoon, etc)
I miss Greystones
I miss sitting on the rocks, looking at the ocean and realizing how small I am and how big God is
I miss beach days where the water would be so cold, and the waves would always push Tasha down!
I miss the pubs and the laughter and dancing
I miss the train ride through Dublin
I miss the Irish Sea
I miss the cool breeze and mist everywhere all the time
I miss how green it was
I miss the double decker buses.
I miss the celtic harp player on Grafton Street
I miss the street preachers
I miss the protests
I miss taking trips to belfast
I miss going to the airport to greet people coming to visit
I miss working at the bank and the awesome people there
I miss talking on the phone to Irish people I could not understand
I miss visiting people and holding babies and playing tag until it was so dark out that we could not see.
I miss feeling God in a tangible way
I miss my heart aching because I loved the country so much
I miss having nothing, becasue its when I had nothing, I actually had everything. It was when I had nothing I felt most alive.

I need to go back. I left my heart there.

Worlds worst blogger! yay

I have not written on this thing in ages, welcome to the story of my life really. I should not be allowed to have a blog becasue I am probably the worst blogger in history. I go months without ever writing anything!

Things have been quite the hectic since finally settling down in Regina again. Its so weird how easily I just fit back in and got into the business of life here. I am currently working 2 jobs and just recently a third for a while, and I am taking 3 classes towards my social work degree! So I am really tired, but I know this is where God has me for the time being and I am trying to be at peace and be content in learning and growing more.

I love going to school. I love to learn. Its stressful with all the pressure and deadlines and trying to work enough to make rent, but I am so passionate about social work and so excited to finally be back in a routine for a while where I feel like I am accomplishing something! Exciting!

I was really angry and bitter about Ireland when I first got back home- I never really wanted to ever set foot in Ireland again to be honest, but now I miss it. God is slowly allowing me to see how much I do love that country, but it had to be a hard two years so I would grow up.

If I am honest with myself I know that Ireland changed me for the better, even if it was hard as hell and it left some bruises.

I want to go back some day, and I know I will because my vision for that place and those kids has not died. I also have such a huge heart to go back to Africa, and I want to go to India and Afghanistan and Norway and Sweden! I can't wait! But for now, I am content being with my family and friends and growing in this season.

Everything in me is being challenged and my mindsets are being torn down and renewed, but I trust that I will come out stronger.

Heappy Saskatoon Days...

So, I have been in Saskatoon since Sunday, visiting my mum. Its been pretty good times. So crazy just the convenience of Canada. Being able to get in the car and drive wherever you want to go... WALMART- is like the ultimate convenience becasue everything you could possibly want and need is there!!

So yeah I guess I could say I am definatly enjoying myself. Its just ridiculously comfortable. Which worries me a tad becasue I don't want to get apathetic, but at the same time, its great to relax a bit.

My mum is great times and her and I have been running around like crazy people getting me ready for school. She bought me a laptop... an early Christmas present... so hello I now have a chance to update my blog regularly. Well, as regularly as possible as I have to get ready for school, and move into a new place with Shelley before I start working and classes. So I have a feeling these next couple weeks is going to be so insanely busy. Not to mention that there are still loads of people I want to see before they move away... MOH JEN SANDERS, AND KRISTINE, AND TINA!! So crazy, everyone is moving away!

But there are still awesome people here to hang with- and I am totally stoked to move in with Shelley! I love Shelley! yay!

I miss Dublin today though, and Jen! Oh the simple life we lead in Dublin!

Anyways, enough ramblings for the moment...

KiKi

Home

So, I am finally back home in Canada, after one of the most stressful and exhausting flight patterns I have ever endured. It's so crazy being back... I am really excited becasue I know God has good things planned for this year.

So I am just relaxing and unwinding from Ireland now, and trying to figure out how to keep the vision alive while I move forward with school and a time in Canada.