Why

Donald Miller is probably my favourite author of all time, aside from Erwin McManus. There is just something about his writing and the way he sees the world that connects deep with my spirit, probably because I catch myself thinking the exact same things that he has written in his books.

I am reading "Through Pained Deserts" right now and the way he speaks about his relationship with God and what it is like to navigate through the questions in his heart really put me at peace, and resonnate with me because it is like he is taking the thoughts right out of my head and putting them on paper.

"Recently, I have come to believe that there are more important questions then "how" questions: How do I get money? How do I have fun? be happy? On one of our trips to central Texas, I stood at the top of a desert hill and looked up at the endlessness of heavens, deep into the inky blackness of the cosmos, those billion stars seeming to fall through the void from nowhere to nowhere. I stood there for 20 minutes and as it had a few times before that year, my mind fell to the question, why? The question terrified me at first. I had only recently begun questioning my faith in God, a kind of commercial, American version of spirituality. I had questions because of the silliness of its presuppositions. The rising question of why had been manifesting for quite some time , and had previously only been answered by Western Christianity's propositions of behaviour modification. What is beauty? I would ask. Here are the 5 keys to a successful marriage, I would be given an answer. It was as if nobody was listening to the question being groaned by all of creation, groaned through the pining of our sexual tension, our broken biochemistry, the blending of light and smog to make our glorious sunsets. I began to believe the Christian faith was a religious system invented within the human story rather then a series of true ideas that explained the story. Christianity was a pawn for polititians, a moral system to control our broken natures. The religion did seem to stem from something beautiful, for sure, but it had been dumbed down and Westernized. If it was a religious system that explained the human story, the adherents had lost the grandness of its explanation in exchange for its validation of their "how" lifestyles, to such a degree that the why questions seemed to be drowning in the drool of Pavlov's dogs. And it wasn't just the church that was drowning; it was all of humanity, or at least all of the West. Our sky scrapers and sports teams, our malls and our master-planned neighborhoods, our idiot politics, our sultry media promising ecstasy with every use of a specific dishwashing detergent. What does all of this mean? Are we animals nesting? Are we rats in one giant cage? And does my faith live within these instincts, always getting me to my happiness, or is it larger, explaining the why of life, the how a shallow afterthought?

It wasn't just my faith that was being shaken. I began to wonder what personal ideas I believed weren't true. I believed I was not athletic enough; too stupid, I believed I had to go to college; I believed that jeans that cost 50 dollars were better then jeans that cost 30; I believed that living in a certain part of town made you more imporant than living in another. I looked up at the cosmos and it had no scientific proof that any of this was true. The cosmos wasn't telling me I was stupid or that certain jeans were better. They were just spinning around up there, as if to create beauty for beauty's sake, paying no attension to the frivolity of mankind. And so in exchange for the how question, I picked up the why question. Far from depressing, this lead to something quite beautiful...... I needed to believe that beauty meant something.... I needed God to be larger then our free market economy, larger then our two-for-one coupons, larger then our religious ideas."

I feel better knowing I am not alone in thinking these thoughts. My conclusion, God is larger, mighier, more loving, more wise, more powerful, and more beautiful then the box we put Him in.

Happy Tears

I cried when I got told I was not "university material"
I cried when I first started University and my advisor told me that I would not make it as a Social Worker
I cried when I walked away from that dream and found a new one in Ireland
I cried when that country broke my heart so much that it lead me back to my original dream of being a Social Worker
I cried when God told me to leave the place I had fallen in love with to go back to school
I cried when my best friend believed in me and told me that it was OK to want to go to school even though people said I would not make it,
I cried when my parents and friends all supported me and rallied around me to cheer me on as I began qualifying and attempting to make my goal a reality,
I cried when yesterday everything I have been working towards and dreamt of was handed to me on a piece of paper.
I am going to be a Social Worker, and by the grace and love of God and the love and support of my friends and family my dream is finally coming true.

East to West- Casting Crowns

This song WRECKED me tonight... I feel like it was written about me. God knows exactly what we need, and how to speak to us. I love that intimacy of Him knowing us better than we know ourselves.

Here I am Lord,
and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
the chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
Idont want to end up
where you found me
and it echoes in my mind,
keeps me awake tonight

I know you cast my sin as far
as the east is from the west
and I stand before you now,
as if I've never sinned
but today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
from you leaving me this way

and Jesus can you show me
just how far the east is from the west
cause I can't bear to see the man
I've been rising up in me again
in the arms of your mercy I find rest,
cause you know just how far the East is from the West
from one scarred hand to the other.

I start the day the war begins
endless reminding of my sin
time and time again your truth is drowned out by the storm
I'm in today I feel like I'm just one mistake away,
from you leaving me this way
and Jesus can you show me,
just how far the East is from the West
cause I can't bear to see the man
I've been rising up in me again
in the arms of your mercy I find rest'
cause you know just how far the East is from the West
from one scarred hand to the other.

I know you've washed me white,
turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me through,
to get me through this night
can't live by what I feel
but by the Truth your Word reveals,
I'm not holding on to you
but you're holding on to me,
you're holding on to me

NO LONGER BOUND!!

No matter how late I am running in the morning, I find it necessary to blare this song on my computer and dance around like a fool....... This song just makes me SO happy!!! Check out the lyrics, look it up and get DANCING!! I hope it gives you as much joy as it gives me!!!! HAPPY FRIDAY!!

No Longer Bound- Jeremy Riddle

Your glory, Lord, higher than the skies
And Your love, the anchor of my life
A song of thanks, all my heart can sing
I lift my eyes up to the heavens
I fill my heart up with Your praise
For You alone have lifted away my chains

I/We just can't keep from laughing
I/We just can't keep from crying out
Jesus Christ has captured my/our soul
I'm/We're bursting with His passion
And I'm/We're lavished in His grace
And I am/We are no longer bound by shame, Lord

Have we, the church, forgotten who we are?
And have we forgotten who we serve'
Cause we serve the Almighty Living God
Let songs of love come pouring from our hearts
Let songs of joy resound both near and far
Let's celebrate the goodness of our God

So lift your eyes, lift your hands
Lift your feet and praise His name (4x)

Remembrance Day Fun!

So today (Remembrance Day) is suppose to be my

essay writing marathon! I have 5 essays to write

in the next couple weeks.. and I was hoping to get the majority of it done today. While, I have written two of the five today, (which is a big accomplishment for my procrastinating self) my marathon was interrupted by my very excited roommate Shelley to embark on a trip to Wal-mart! Now let me just say that WHENEVER Shelley and I both have a day off together and nothing major to do, it ALWAYS ends in a trip to Wal-mart. I guess its just our "thing". So we went to Wal-mart, for like 3 hours... and spent way too much money in the end, but it was so much fun! We always have a blast shopping together. The most exciting part for me though was we got talking about taking a trip back to South Africa together. She is originally from South Africa, so it would be a trip home for her... and she was with me the first time I went, so it would be like old times. I have been praying for Africa so much lately and my heart has been longing to go back, so these talks got me REALLY excited! So after all the talks, we are tentatively planning a trip for May when my semester is over. We would probably go down for 3 or 4 weeks and do kids ministry in Cape Town, and hopefully go on a Safari! I left part of my heart in Cape Town, so this possibility just thrills me to no end. I love the people, the opportunity for ministry, the beauty, how on fire people are for Jesus, everything!

So I am praying about it, she is praying about it, and I guess we will see what God does!!

Here In My Life- Hillsongs United

This song just blessed my heart today....

I have never walked on water
Felt the waves beneath my feet but
At your Word Lord, I’ll receive Your
Faith to walk on oceans deep
And I remember how You found me:
In that very same place
All my failing surely would've drowned me
But You made a way

You are my freedom
Jesus you’re the reason
I’m kneeling again at Your throne
Where would I be without You
Here in my life, here in my life?

You have said that all the heavens
Sing for joy at one who finds
The way to freedom, truth of Jesus
Bought from death into His life
And I remember how You saw me:
Through the eyes of Your grace
And though the cost was Your beloved for me
Still you made a way!

Trust

I can feel you moving closer now, drawing me deeper into Your heart and You moving into new area's of my heart that I have never let you before. This has been the cry of my heart. But I have to be honest, I have never been so scared.