Meeks Land

Why

2009-05-11T19:15:00.000-07:00

Donald Miller is probably my favourite author of all time, aside from Erwin McManus. There is just something about his writing and the way he sees the world that connects deep with my spirit, probably because I catch myself thinking the exact same things that he has written in his books.
I am reading "Through Pained Deserts" right now and the way he speaks about his relationship with God and what it is like to navigate through the questions in his heart really put me at peace, and resonnate with me because it is like he is taking the thoughts right out of my head and putting them on paper.
"Recently, I have come to believe that there are more important questions then "how" questions: How do I get money? How do I have fun? be happy? On one of our trips to central Texas, I stood at the top of a desert hill and looked up at the endlessness of heavens, deep into the inky blackness of the cosmos, those billion stars seeming to fall through the void from nowhere to nowhere. I stood there for 20 minutes and as it had a few times before that year, my mind fell to the question, why? The question terrified me at first. I had only recently begun questioning my faith in God, a kind of commercial, American version of spirituality. I had questions because of the silliness of its presuppositions. The rising question of why had been manifesting for quite some time , and had previously only been answered by Western Christianity's propositions of behaviour modification. What is beauty? I would ask. Here are the 5 keys to a successful marriage, I would be given an answer. It was as if nobody was listening to the question being groaned by all of creation, groaned through the pining of our sexual tension, our broken biochemistry, the blending of light and smog to make our glorious sunsets. I began to believe the Christian faith was a religious system invented within the human story rather then a series of true ideas that explained the story. Christianity was a pawn for polititians, a moral system to control our broken natures. The religion did seem to stem from something beautiful, for sure, but it had been dumbed down and Westernized. If it was a religious system that explained the human story, the adherents had lost the grandness of its explanation in exchange for its validation of their "how" lifestyles, to such a degree that the why questions seemed to be drowning in the drool of Pavlov's dogs. And it wasn't just the church that was drowning; it was all of humanity, or at least all of the West. Our sky scrapers and sports teams, our malls and our master-planned neighborhoods, our idiot politics, our sultry media promising ecstasy with every use of a specific dishwashing detergent. What does all of this mean? Are we animals nesting? Are we rats in one giant cage? And does my faith live within these instincts, always getting me to my happiness, or is it larger, explaining the why of life, the how a shallow afterthought?
It wasn't just my faith that was being shaken. I began to wonder what personal ideas I believed weren't true. I believed I was not athletic enough; too stupid, I believed I had to go to college; I believed that jeans that cost 50 dollars were better then jeans that cost 30; I believed that living in a certain part of town made you more imporant than living in another. I looked up at the cosmos and it had no scientific proof that any of this was true. The cosmos wasn't telling me I was stupid or that certain jeans were better. They were just spinning around up there, as if to create beauty for beauty's sake, paying no attension to the frivolity of mankind. And so in exchange for the how question, I picked up the why question. Far from depressing, this lead to something quite beautiful...... I needed to believe that beauty meant something.... I needed God to be larger then our free market economy, larger then our two-for-one coupons, larger then our religious ideas."
I feel better knowing I am not alone in thinking these thoughts. My conclusion, God is larger, mighier, more loving, more wise, more powerful, and more beautiful then the box we put Him in.

Happy Tears

2009-03-03T21:22:00.001-08:00

I cried when I got told I was not "university material"
I cried when I first started University and my advisor told me that I would not make it as a Social Worker
I cried when I walked away from that dream and found a new one in Ireland
I cried when that country broke my heart so much that it lead me back to my original dream of being a Social Worker
I cried when God told me to leave the place I had fallen in love with to go back to school
I cried when my best friend believed in me and told me that it was OK to want to go to school even though people said I would not make it,
I cried when my parents and friends all supported me and rallied around me to cheer me on as I began qualifying and attempting to make my goal a reality,
I cried when yesterday everything I have been working towards and dreamt of was handed to me on a piece of paper.
I am going to be a Social Worker, and by the grace and love of God and the love and support of my friends and family my dream is finally coming true.

East to West- Casting Crowns

2008-11-19T21:59:00.000-08:00

This song WRECKED me tonight... I feel like it was written about me. God knows exactly what we need, and how to speak to us. I love that intimacy of Him knowing us better than we know ourselves.

Here I am Lord,
and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
the chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
Idont want to end up
where you found me
and it echoes in my mind,
keeps me awake tonight

I know you cast my sin as far
as the east is from the west
and I stand before you now,
as if I've never sinned
but today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
from you leaving me this way

and Jesus can you show me
just how far the east is from the west
cause I can't bear to see the man
I've been rising up in me again
in the arms of your mercy I find rest,
cause you know just how far the East is from the West
from one scarred hand to the other.

I start the day the war begins
endless reminding of my sin
time and time again your truth is drowned out by the storm
I'm in today I feel like I'm just one mistake away,
from you leaving me this way
and Jesus can you show me,
just how far the East is from the West
cause I can't bear to see the man
I've been rising up in me again
in the arms of your mercy I find rest'
cause you know just how far the East is from the West
from one scarred hand to the other.

I know you've washed me white,
turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me through,
to get me through this night
can't live by what I feel
but by the Truth your Word reveals,
I'm not holding on to you
but you're holding on to me,
you're holding on to me

NO LONGER BOUND!!

2008-11-14T06:01:00.000-08:00

No matter how late I am running in the morning, I find it necessary to blare this song on my computer and dance around like a fool....... This song just makes me SO happy!!! Check out the lyrics, look it up and get DANCING!! I hope it gives you as much joy as it gives me!!!! HAPPY FRIDAY!!

No Longer Bound- Jeremy Riddle

Your glory, Lord, higher than the skies
And Your love, the anchor of my life
A song of thanks, all my heart can sing
I lift my eyes up to the heavens
I fill my heart up with Your praise
For You alone have lifted away my chains

I/We just can't keep from laughing
I/We just can't keep from crying out
Jesus Christ has captured my/our soul
I'm/We're bursting with His passion
And I'm/We're lavished in His grace
And I am/We are no longer bound by shame, Lord

Have we, the church, forgotten who we are?
And have we forgotten who we serve'
Cause we serve the Almighty Living God
Let songs of love come pouring from our hearts
Let songs of joy resound both near and far
Let's celebrate the goodness of our God

So lift your eyes, lift your hands
Lift your feet and praise His name (4x)

Remembrance Day Fun!

2008-11-11T14:54:00.000-08:00

So today (Remembrance Day) is suppose to be my

essay writing marathon! I have 5 essays to write

in the next couple weeks.. and I was hoping to get the majority of it done today. While, I have written two of the five today, (which is a big accomplishment for my procrastinating self) my marathon was interrupted by my very excited roommate Shelley to embark on a trip to Wal-mart! Now let me just say that WHENEVER Shelley and I both have a day off together and nothing major to do, it ALWAYS ends in a trip to Wal-mart. I guess its just our "thing". So we went to Wal-mart, for like 3 hours... and spent way too much money in the end, but it was so much fun! We always have a blast shopping together. The most exciting part for me though was we got talking about taking a trip back to South Africa together. She is originally from South Africa, so it would be a trip home for her... and she was with me the first time I went, so it would be like old times. I have been praying for Africa so much lately and my heart has been longing to go back, so these talks got me REALLY excited! So after all the talks, we are tentatively planning a trip for May when my semester is over. We would probably go down for 3 or 4 weeks and do kids ministry in Cape Town, and hopefully go on a Safari! I left part of my heart in Cape Town, so this possibility just thrills me to no end. I love the people, the opportunity for ministry, the beauty, how on fire people are for Jesus, everything!

So I am praying about it, she is praying about it, and I guess we will see what God does!!

Here In My Life- Hillsongs United

2008-11-10T21:15:00.000-08:00

This song just blessed my heart today....

I have never walked on water
Felt the waves beneath my feet but
At your Word Lord, I’ll receive Your
Faith to walk on oceans deep
And I remember how You found me:
In that very same place
All my failing surely would've drowned me
But You made a way

You are my freedom
Jesus you’re the reason
I’m kneeling again at Your throne
Where would I be without You
Here in my life, here in my life?

You have said that all the heavens
Sing for joy at one who finds
The way to freedom, truth of Jesus
Bought from death into His life
And I remember how You saw me:
Through the eyes of Your grace
And though the cost was Your beloved for me
Still you made a way!

Trust

2008-11-07T11:46:00.000-08:00

I can feel you moving closer now, drawing me deeper into Your heart and You moving into new area's of my heart that I have never let you before. This has been the cry of my heart. But I have to be honest, I have never been so scared.

You Won't Relent

2008-11-06T12:50:00.000-08:00

You won't relent
Until You have it all
My heart is Yours

I'll set You as a seal upon my heart
As a seal upon my arm
For there is love that is as strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
And many waters cannot quench this love

Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Come be the fire inside of me
Until You and I are one

I am so thankful for grace. I am so thankful for freedom. I am so thankful that I can come before my Saviour JUST as I am...that I do not have to clean myself up, and recite prayers and fast and offer sacrifices before He will see me. I can enter His courts with confidence and boldness knowing that He loves me just as I am... that He sent His son to die for my sins, PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE!!! I am thankful that He has a secret place of rest for me and He knows me better than I know myself. What fabulous love... what jealous love... I keep having revelation after revelation of His love for me.. and the more I get filled up by His Holy Spirit, the more in awe I am of His beauty and the freedom Jesus brings!!! Oh happy day!!!!

Renewal

2008-09-17T22:34:00.000-07:00

So many new things going on lately! I was so nervous about starting another season of school, another season of extreme business. I got so seriously burnt out last semester- so this year I am trying to be careful. God is so good, He is really reminding me that I am a different place completely and things will not look the same at all.

Where to even start. Well, my first week of school were brutal.. I did not want to be there at all and was a tad discouraged about it. But then I had my first Social Work class and things just seemed to "click." My new favourite moment is that sudden realization that you are EXACTLY where you are suppose to be. You get an adrenaline rush of extreme joy and complete peace and satisfaction, because you know that THIS is what you were meant to do, THIS is WHO YOU ARE! If you have never felt that feeling, you need to keep going until you do. It is epic.

I also have started a kids church- which let me tell you is no easy task... but at the end of every Sunday I am so happy and satisfied. I love the kids I minister too so deeply. They teach me so much and they are ALL so completely beautiful and gifted. I am so blessed to have such an amazing opportunity to teach these kids about Jesus and watch them grow.

Also. my best friend is moving in with me this weekend. I am so happy to live with her again! We have lived apart for almost a year now, which is so crazy! It has been good for us.. but I am so excited to live with her again! To laugh lots and stay up late with cereal and Buffy when we know we should be doing homework. Oh the beauty of it all. I love her to bits. I love all my friends to bits! Pretty stoked for Meredith moving to Strasbourg too, to embark on a new adventure. She deserves an adventure!!!

I can't believe how awesome things are turning out so far this year. God is really so, so, good to me. I am in awe of everyday and I am really, really happy. I am falling deeply in love with God's heart again too, which makes me so joyful and relieved. I thought I had lost my ability to feel that pure love burning in me. But Jesus is renewing me. He has taken me through a season of hell, and brought me into a season of life.

2008-07-05T14:46:00.000-07:00

Maturity brings wisdom...
What happens, when the wisdom is there, but the maturity to back it up is absent.
Results: a tortured spirit.

Torture!

2008-05-25T00:54:00.000-07:00

So, as I am sure everyone who actually reads this blog (which is probably just Jen) is already aware (thanks too my awesome friends), I pulled ligaments in my foot and ankle on thursday because I was chasing a duck. Now, let me just clear up that I was not "full on" chasing this duck, I was just trying to make it move a little so I could see its cute babies. Anyhoo, it ended up being a disaster, and needless to say, there will be no duck chasing in my near future. Which brings me to my rant for the eve.... CRUTCHES. They are seriously the meanest invention ever! They make me hurt more than the initital injury did! It is just cruel.. and what is worse? You have to PAY MONEY for them. Thats right, you have to pay 30 dollars to be tortured. So I paid 30 dollars to want to tear off my limbs and beat myself with them because it would feel better then jabbing these sticks into my armpits everytime I take a step.
Hahaha, I am clearly not bitter at all.
So I have decided to boycott this torture device and have locked them in the trunk of my car. Yeah it is hard for me to hobble around, and it is still painful, but you know what, not as painful as the sticks of death that I refuse to use, I guess that is what they gave me t3's for!

The rant is now done and I am now going to bed feeling quite satisfied with my decision. Yay!

Love Rantings.

2008-04-28T22:34:00.000-07:00

I shared a word with my house church on Sunday that God has really laid heavy on my heart. It is something that is so obvious, but yet something that God is growing so deep inside me and I learn more about everyday. Its about love, and who we are in Christ, and who the church is in Christ. Every time I think I have a handle on it, God keeps taking it deeper and rooting me even more in this foundational truth.

Love is God and God is love. Everything is perfect in love. Love conquers all fear and death. It never fails. It has the victory.

1 Corinthians 13 (These three remain, faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love)
Song of Songs (Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it).
Ephesians 3:17 (May your roots go down deep in His love).
1 John
Romans
etc. etc. etc.

The scripture list goes on and on. Over and over again it speaks of God's love and that it is the greatest command, the greatest emotion, the victory that we are looking for. It is such a simple message, but so hard to grasp. We as Christians run day in and day out perfecting ministry, looking for a black and white answer of what the church is suppose to look like and what we are suppose to look like. We want a formula and more religious rhetoric to tell us exactly how to live our lives in order to go to heaven. But we are missing the point.

God has NOT put us into a religious box. We have put ourselves there because of fear. Our fear to do something so radical that it challenges everything that religion is made of, and everything that this world sees as normal. It is love. Love knows no religion, it knows no barriers. It does not have a set formula. I honestly think that if we can get our priorities straight and really start walking in love (myself in included here!!) and learning that this is who God is and really what He is about, then there will not be so much pressure to conform and preform anymore.

We are more than conquerors. All we need is love.

BLISS!! Ireland and Summer's coming!!!

2008-03-15T10:21:00.000-07:00

Summer is coming and I am getting excited!!! Weooo!

I only have like 14 days of class left, which is seriously awesome!! I am going to take a few spring classes, since I am not going to Mexico anymore :(. But those spring classes go by SO fast! Then no summer classes for me! I would have the concentration of an ant (mind you I usually have that concentration level now) if I had to go to school in the summer- it is just so WRONG.

I am excited to swim in my dad's pool, and suntan, and going walking outside. I just seriously love everything about summer and can hardly wait!

I think in anticipation I am going to boycott shoes and start wearing my flip flops now. Yes, I know there is still snow on the ground, but I just wan't wait any longer :)

I really wish I had the money to go back to Ireland for the summer- but I do not, so I will just have to enjoy being here. Working full time, and having fun in between! Maybe if I start saving now I will have the money to go back to Ireland next summer and visit!

St. Paddy's day is coming soon as well! I almost forgot that it is on monday!! hurrah! Mind you it will not be as fun as actually being in Dublin, but I will make it fun! I am determined!!

More than blissed out thinking about Ireland and summer,

KiKi

Black Pepper and Darfur Rantings....

2008-02-23T23:34:00.000-08:00

I had a fabulous night tonight. I normally hang out with the girl every friday and saturday night. Tonight it was no different in that aspect (except the absence of Muss), but instead of the norm, we went to the library to see a documentary on the genocide in Darfur, called "Darfur Now", and then we went to the Black Pepper to listen to some live music and have a few cocktails.

The piano bar was amazing. They had a live band who was just pure talent, I was so impressed. The pianist blew my mind, I only wish I could play half as well as he could!! It is such a lovely atmosphere and there were the nicest people there ever. I think that everyone should check it out - it was a blast.

"Darfur Now" was completely fabulous. They did a very good job of portraying what was going on in Darfur and also the fight for the voice of the people in Darfur to be heard. The only thing that I did not really agree with was them portraying the UN as taken action to help stop the "genocide" in Darfur, when the UN has not even declared the situation in that country to be genocide!! Don't even get me started about this!! That movie gave me some hope that at least there still are people out there fighting to make a difference, not matter how small. It makes me sick to think that our world is sitting back and allowing the same thing that happened in Rwanda to happen to millions of innocent men, women and children in Darfur because it costs too much money to admit that genocide is taking place once again and that we need to be taking immediate action to fight this mass scale crime against humanity. I really want to make a difference, if I had the money I could fly over there right now and offer what I can, or be an advocate or whatever, but for now I just continue to pray, and to support those who are challenging the systems to not allow this to go on any longer.

Just because a crisis like this is not happening in our community, city or even country does not excuse us from our hearts breaking for these people and doing nothing to help. I believe that even the slightest efforts can make a difference and I really believe that there can be peace in Darfur if enough people stood up and refused to let this happen again. I think that we can come to a place where we have compassion for these people because we can recognize that just like us, they have families and children and lives, and they are being destroyed, raped and murdered and that is something that no one would wish on anyone.

This world breaks my heart.

Reading Break? I think not my friends!

2008-02-21T22:32:00.000-08:00

Ok seriously, I do not understand why we in Canada insist on calling spring break, "reading week". Honestly, I do not think that I have done less reading in MY LIFE. Its kind of depressing really, it is like as soon as I hear that I have a week to catch up on all the reading and the papers and the studying for midterms, something inside me goes... ''no, you know what Kristie, you deserve a week to do nothing. Thats right, do everything BUT homework this week.'' But you know if I actually did my reading and homework when I was not on a break, this would not be such an issue.
Pretty much everyone I know has the same opinion of reading week, its a nice week to relax and do nothing and come the saturday and maybe sunday night before school starts again, the panic sets in! The "OH MY GOD, I HAVE FOUR PAPERS DUE TOMORROW MORNING alarm goes off.'' It happens every year! I honestly think that there should be no assignments given on reading week, and instead it is a week dedicated to doing nothing, which is what most of us, not so eagar student do anyways!!
I even cleaned my house top to bottom, did about eight loads of laundry and have watched most of my movie collection, just to avoid the homework. But alas, it is once again drawing to an end and the panick is setting in.
I will never learn.

If I had a million dollars....

2008-02-16T17:54:00.000-08:00

Can I just say... that I LOVE SHOPPING!!! I honestly can say that shopping when I have money is one of my favourite pass times. Call me superficial, but I just find breezing through malls really relaxing and even if you are alone, its all around fabulous! The worst part is, I love shopping on saturdays, when its SO busy and people hate each other, haha, just makes me smile! My mom always tells me that I would do so well with a million dollars- and let me tell you, I totally would!!
So for the past two days in celebration of reading week I have been shopping! I do not get to shop WITH money very often, so this was VERY exciting!!
On friday I went shopping with Muss, it was fabulous, we went clothes shopping and shoe shopping! It was epic and might I just add in how much I love the new clothes at OLD NAVY!!(I know I am such a nerd-BTW!!) and then today I went to Superstore with Shelley, which was fabulous times and then to Walmart with Jen, so really, can't go wrong!!
Jen and I were suppose to go to the Warhol exhibit today, but by the time she got ready and I was done shopping we did not have much time and since I am like the biggest Andy Warhol fan, I think I need a whole afternoon to dedicate to this exhibit.
I also did something very exciting for the first time today and I am very proud of myself! I put together- all my MYSELF- a book case!! I was so excited because I am so not the type to do stuff like that. It may have taken me like 2 hours, but I did it!! Hurrah! Simple joys, really, I am all about it!!
Its nice every once in a while to have a few days where you just take joy in little things and stop thinking so dam hard about all the crap that goes on in the world and all the thing you need to do.
Little things make me happy :)

Weird...

2008-01-04T22:05:00.000-08:00

It's a really odd feeling, to want to write but have no words.
To want to express emotion, but feel completely void.
To want to find something solid, but find nothing but a blur.

I feel like a wave tossing around in the ocean.

I am just tired. Really tired of not being who I want to be.

I am feeling very discouraged by Christmas and the New year, but I figure since its a new start I should make an effort.

New Years resolution #1: Figure out who I want to be and be it.

Anti-Christmas

2007-12-24T11:27:00.000-08:00

I must say that I HATE Christmas.

Its so commercial, and everyone is miserable because its impossible to make everyone happy.
Its the hardest time of year for so many people who have no families, no food, and who have lost everything.

It seems to have lost all meaning- its really just another day.

Therefore next year, I am going away for Christmas and celebrating no more- there is much less pressure that way.

Don't get me wrong, I will always celebrate Jesus and His birth because thats what its REALLY all about- but the rest of it, I can't stand and refuse to live under the expectation of gift giving and trying to make sure everyone is happy.

"Shipwreck" by Starfield

2007-12-17T20:41:00.000-08:00

I built a fortress
With a hundred thousand faces
I'll keep it safe
With a hundred thousand more
But these masks are wearing thin
As You draw me in

I spent my time
On the empty and the fleeting
I spent my life
On much less than I'd dreamed
But I'm reaching out to you
To make me new'

Cause I am just a beggar here at Your door
I am just a shipwreck here on Your shore
I come empty handed
Ready to seeYour life in me changing who I've been
To who I need to be

You tell me my story
As You sift between the pages
I feel redemption
In the space between each turn
Could You take me in Your arms
And tell it just once more
Could You take me in Your arms
And tell it just once more

Frustrated.

2007-12-08T14:18:00.000-08:00

I really wish that I knew who I was.
I seem to catch glimpses of it sometimes, but then just as quick as it came, its gone again.

I wish I really knew who God was.
I would not have so many trust issues if I actually knew and trusted His heart.

I want to be secure in who I am and who God is. That is where my identity is and I am always going to be running from one thing to another until I figure it out.

I am frustrated. I am not happy. I just want to be myself, but I need to figure out who that is before that can happen.

New Plan!

2007-12-05T21:54:00.000-08:00

I am pretty sure I am going to take the Missing Women in Mexico course in May!! That means after my winter semester- I am going to take this course on Missing Women through Luther University and it includes a 2 week trip to Mexico City to attend confrences and work with families who have been victims of women going missing. Its going to be intense I am sure, and heart breaking- but I think it will be so fabulous at the same time!
This prospect thrills me to no end!!

Ireland missing days.....

2007-12-04T07:30:00.001-08:00

I miss Ireland.
I miss walking around the streets, praying and jamming out to my ipod.
I miss the simplicity
I miss saturdays of going to the market and window shopping on Grafton Street
I miss Insomnia coffee
I miss our favourite chinese restaurant
I miss the graffitti on everything
I miss walking down my street after work and being greeting by 10 screaming children.
I miss my door bell ringing 100 times a day
I miss finding creative spots to hang my laundry because the dryer did not work.
I miss wandering to Mace at 8pm just for something to do.
I miss movies with the girls
I miss house church
I miss Sunday School
I miss beautiful polish friends
I miss Sunday dinners
I miss worshipping with anything we could find around the house (a can of nails, a pot and spoon, etc)
I miss Greystones
I miss sitting on the rocks, looking at the ocean and realizing how small I am and how big God is
I miss beach days where the water would be so cold, and the waves would always push Tasha down!
I miss the pubs and the laughter and dancing
I miss the train ride through Dublin
I miss the Irish Sea
I miss the cool breeze and mist everywhere all the time
I miss how green it was
I miss the double decker buses.
I miss the celtic harp player on Grafton Street
I miss the street preachers
I miss the protests
I miss taking trips to belfast
I miss going to the airport to greet people coming to visit
I miss working at the bank and the awesome people there
I miss talking on the phone to Irish people I could not understand
I miss visiting people and holding babies and playing tag until it was so dark out that we could not see.
I miss feeling God in a tangible way
I miss my heart aching because I loved the country so much
I miss having nothing, becasue its when I had nothing, I actually had everything. It was when I had nothing I felt most alive.

I need to go back. I left my heart there.

Worlds worst blogger! yay

2007-11-01T19:50:00.000-07:00

I have not written on this thing in ages, welcome to the story of my life really. I should not be allowed to have a blog becasue I am probably the worst blogger in history. I go months without ever writing anything!

Things have been quite the hectic since finally settling down in Regina again. Its so weird how easily I just fit back in and got into the business of life here. I am currently working 2 jobs and just recently a third for a while, and I am taking 3 classes towards my social work degree! So I am really tired, but I know this is where God has me for the time being and I am trying to be at peace and be content in learning and growing more.

I love going to school. I love to learn. Its stressful with all the pressure and deadlines and trying to work enough to make rent, but I am so passionate about social work and so excited to finally be back in a routine for a while where I feel like I am accomplishing something! Exciting!

I was really angry and bitter about Ireland when I first got back home- I never really wanted to ever set foot in Ireland again to be honest, but now I miss it. God is slowly allowing me to see how much I do love that country, but it had to be a hard two years so I would grow up.

If I am honest with myself I know that Ireland changed me for the better, even if it was hard as hell and it left some bruises.

I want to go back some day, and I know I will because my vision for that place and those kids has not died. I also have such a huge heart to go back to Africa, and I want to go to India and Afghanistan and Norway and Sweden! I can't wait! But for now, I am content being with my family and friends and growing in this season.

Everything in me is being challenged and my mindsets are being torn down and renewed, but I trust that I will come out stronger.

Heappy Saskatoon Days...

2007-08-15T12:55:00.000-07:00

So, I have been in Saskatoon since Sunday, visiting my mum. Its been pretty good times. So crazy just the convenience of Canada. Being able to get in the car and drive wherever you want to go... WALMART- is like the ultimate convenience becasue everything you could possibly want and need is there!!

So yeah I guess I could say I am definatly enjoying myself. Its just ridiculously comfortable. Which worries me a tad becasue I don't want to get apathetic, but at the same time, its great to relax a bit.

My mum is great times and her and I have been running around like crazy people getting me ready for school. She bought me a laptop... an early Christmas present... so hello I now have a chance to update my blog regularly. Well, as regularly as possible as I have to get ready for school, and move into a new place with Shelley before I start working and classes. So I have a feeling these next couple weeks is going to be so insanely busy. Not to mention that there are still loads of people I want to see before they move away... MOH JEN SANDERS, AND KRISTINE, AND TINA!! So crazy, everyone is moving away!

But there are still awesome people here to hang with- and I am totally stoked to move in with Shelley! I love Shelley! yay!

I miss Dublin today though, and Jen! Oh the simple life we lead in Dublin!

Anyways, enough ramblings for the moment...

KiKi

Home

2007-08-14T07:33:00.000-07:00

So, I am finally back home in Canada, after one of the most stressful and exhausting flight patterns I have ever endured. It's so crazy being back... I am really excited becasue I know God has good things planned for this year.

So I am just relaxing and unwinding from Ireland now, and trying to figure out how to keep the vision alive while I move forward with school and a time in Canada.

Thoughts on going home...

2007-06-20T09:23:00.000-07:00

So, I finally made a decision (well I really made the decision like 3 weeks ago, but I am really bad at maintaining this thing) that I am going home in August. I am leaving Dublin on August 7th, and I am homeward bound.

God is leading me into such a different season of my life. A season where I need to trust Him in going to school and living in Regina for a while, and not on the front lines of missions but at the same time always in a state of ministry with those around me. I catch myself saying that it will be different ''not ministering'' for a while. But actually, I will never ''not be ministering'' because my definition of ministry is so broad. Sharing about Jesus is ministry and there will never be a point where I don't do that. Where I don't share my faith with someone, because it is who I am.

There are a lot of factors that came into my decision to go home and go to school for a while...Some I would rather admit did not influence me, but it would be a lie if I said that certain things had no influence.

Like the fact that this year took a lot out of me. I battled with things I never thought I would, and I know it is good because I am learning and growing, but it does not change the fact that when I do get on the plane to go home, I will be exhausted and some what relieved to enter a sanctuary with God.

I have felt for a while that my priorities are messed up when it comes to God, family and ministry. For so long I have been choosing ministry in an attempt to fix my walk with God. That has never been what ministry was intended for and I am quickly learning that lesson the hard way. God needs to be first and He is taking away everything in my life that is before Him. I am stubborn so I fight him on this from time to time, but in the end, all I can really do is surrender. In the end, all any of us can really do is surrender.

I am going to school because I want to make a bigger difference in the world I see around me. There is nothing worse than seeing a need and not being able to do anything about it. Don't get me wrong, I believe prayer and love are two of the most important things I can do to help and I am trying my best to do those. But I also want training behind me to really make a difference, to get people out of the situations they are in and show them that someone cares enough to change their circumstances. So that's why I have also chosen Social Work.

So, yeah I am scared as hell, because I have never come to a point where I have to take a step back from what I thought was going to happen (and fought to happen honestly) and allow God to release me into a new season where I will be stretched in finding who I am in God more deeply and out of that will come ministry in the future. After my priorities get healthy and I can be in a place where I can stand on my own confident in who my God is and where He is taking me.

So scary time, but exciting time, because He sees the bigger picture and I am so short sighted its not even funny!!

KiKi bought a pretty dress!!

2007-06-10T07:21:00.000-07:00

So, since Dublin is like fashion central! I figured that I could not leave without buying something pretty! So I bought a pretty dress. Also I was feeling kind of left out with Jen and Muss and Tina getting pretty Dublin dresses! So here it is in all its coral and brown glory. Haha!! Yay!

Every girl needs a JCB hardhat!!

2007-05-27T11:58:00.001-07:00

Captivated.....

2007-05-26T17:41:00.000-07:00

''My lover spoke and said to me,"Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me.
See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me.'' -Song of Songs 2: 10-13

PICTURE TIME!

2007-05-19T11:22:00.001-07:00

Here is a picture of Kat and I when she came to visit us. This is my favourite bunny hug ever!! Becasue its yellow!! And of course I have much love for Kat's incredible David Hasslehof shirt!!
This is Jen and I on our girls night out at Eddie Rockets in Dublin!! So much fun!!
This would be me if I were ever to change my name to Champagne and choose another profession! Just kidding! We had left over hair from when we put braided extensions in Andrea's hair and I decided to have a good time!
This is my brothers hot new electric guitar! He paid a fortune for it, but its so pretty!!
And finally, this is my new tattoo, all healed and looking not as red and yucky!! So happy I got it!

All for now!
KiKi

I actually got a tattoo!!!!

2007-05-06T06:03:00.000-07:00

So, as you can see by the picture, I finally got my tattoo!!! I am really excited about it!! Jen and I have been planning on getting tattoo's together in Ireland since we came the very fist time, and now it has finally happened.

We made appointments this week to get them done yesterday at 1pm. So we got up and headed down to a tattoo parlour called ''Art Tattoo'' which is owned by an Italian guy named ''Michele'' who is friends with James and Jacob and all the feast guys! I met him a few years ago when Jortosh came to visit Jacob and ever since I wanted to get a tattoo from him someday because he is such a great artist and does absolutely beautiful work!!

So Jen and I went at 12 and picked out what we wanted and with the help of Michele and Miguel and a few other guys working, they designed my tattoo and one for Jen which is also beautiful (I wish I had a picture) that she got on our wrist!!

So then came the time to actually get the tattoo. Now let me just say to everyone who says it does not hurt- IT DOES!! IT REALLY DOES!!! Well, not to mention the fact that I got my first tattoo on my foot, which is suppose to be one of the most painful places!! Go me. Jen got hers on her wrist, which she said was also so painful! I cant even imagine how much that one must have hurt!!

So yeah, I will put up more pictures when I have them, Tasha came with us and documented the whole thing.

SO, now we are just nursing our very sore tattoo's, but so excited about them.

I will explain a bit about mine. I got the trinity symbol to represent of course the trinity and also my time in Ireland becasue of the whole celtic theme behind the trinity, and Isaiah 61 is the verse God gave me when He not only called me to Ireland, but into missions, and I was reminded of it again this past summer when I went through deliverance. So it really means alot to me, and I am so thrilled to have it as a reminder of the commitment I made to God and the promises God has made to me.

Here is what the verse says:

'' The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning,and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations. Aliens will shepherd your flocks;foreigners will work your fields and vineyards. And you will be called priests of the LORD, you will be named ministers of our God. You will feed on the wealth of nations, and in their riches you will boast. Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion,and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs. "For I, the LORD, love justice; I hate robbery and iniquity. In my faithfulness I will reward them and make an everlasting covenant with them. Their descendants will be known among the nations and their offspring among the peoples. All who see them will acknowledge that they are a people the LORD has blessed." I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations.''

This verse is also so my prayer for Ireland! I just love it, means so much!!

So there you have it, my new tattoo!! yay!!

Love,

Kiki

I LOVE THE FLIP!!!

2007-04-27T11:17:00.000-07:00

It has been a while once again since I have last written on here. I am so not good at maintaining a blog!! Probably becasue I have the attension span of a 3 year old when it comes to actually sitting down to do personal emailing and internet time becasue I spend so much of my life on a computer at work! Yuck!

Jen and Muss' blogs are so pretty! Hahaha, cant help but be a tad jealous about their creative stylin's!

I bought the cutest card for my mum today- its a picture of a mum and a little girl looking at each other and they both have curlers in their hair and they are laughing...its in black and white... reminds me of me and my mum becasue apprently I used to copy her every move when she would get ready in the morning! Aw, miss her!

Anyways, so its getting nicer out, which always makes Dublin a bit more tolerable! I have been such a beach bum that past few weeks. Just hanging out at the beach every chance I get. Its just so darn beautiful and I love laying in the sun. Helps me chill out a bit!

I have been so stressed lately about my stupid future. Do I stay in Dublin? Do I go home and be with my family and get an education? I did not get my visa like they were hoping to get me with work so makes it a bit more likely that I am going home.

Going home is really what is in my heart to do. I want an education. I want to be with my family and get my walk with God straightend out. I am tired. I love Dublin and the kids, they are my life so I know I will be back to see them- but I feel like this season is coming to a close.

Mind you, is that just me saying that or God? Always seems to be the struggle.

Anyhoo, I think I am pretty much done rambling! I am going to head home before my flip flop addiction overcomes me and I go to Penney's and buy 4 more pairs! I am lethal in the summer!! I just want all the flips!!! I like how I waited until the end of my post to explain the picture of the flip flips. But seriously, Old Navy ones are the best!!! Once you get Old Navy you can' t go back! Can't wait for my love affair to continue when I come home!

Kind of crazy!

KiKi

''Soul Cravings'' and Time Change!!

2007-03-25T07:25:00.000-07:00

I am reading a really cool book at the moment by Erwin McManus called ''Soul Cravings''- I really recommend it. Erwin McManus is a fabulous writer and speaker. The book covers a variety of subjects and its kind of in the form of a journal, and Erwin bascially just talks about what is on his heart, from love, to hate and violence, to God. It is really making me think.

I read part of it this morning that talks about love and hate and how they are so close to eachother. He talks about everyones need for love, its a need that has not evolved with the generations. Without love, we enter a world of isolation and hate and thats where violence and corruption comes from. I don't explain it as well as he does, but its intense and very true.

I also bought a book yesterday called ''Blue Like Jazz''- Tasha says it is such an awesome book- so I am really excited to read that one as well!! Oh the love for books I have when I am sitting at a computer all day waiting for the phone to ring.

I had to teach sunday school this morning- and so I had no idea what I was going to teach on so I left a big early to try and get my head around a lesson before the class started. So I got to church and to my dismay the service was already going on. Now we have 2 services at our church- one at 9 and one at half 11, so me being me, I was like wow, the early service is very long today as it was already like 11:35. My sunday school lesson started at 12.

So by about 12:00 I asked someone, I was like ''is this the first service or the second? Because I am teaching in the second and they have not released the kids to their classes yet'' ....and the poor lady I was talking to got a horrified look on her face and was like ''um, love, this is the second service, the clocks moved an hour ahead this morning so its now 1:00!''
So needless to say, I bolted to my classroom to see my teenage helper looking dismayed trying to entertain 15, 3 year olds with playdoe. Oh, I am so awesome!

So, with that excitement out of the way, Jen and I are off to do some shopping and then cleaning!Back to work tomorrow!!

Dublin and such.....

2007-03-01T10:26:00.000-08:00

I have decided that it is probably about time I update my blog. I haven't used the internet long enough to even consider updating this thing!

So, I have been in Dublin now for like 4 months now! So crazy! It has been really hard but lots of fun at the same time! I am not going to even go into the craziness that has been the last 4 months. Check out our Ireland blog if you want an update! Yeah thats right I am lazy!

So, I just spent the last 4 hours at the crazy chinese internet shop downloading music onto my new pink ipod (so excited!). I am off work today becasue I have a lame chest infection or something to that affect. So it will be bed for me soon! Wow, what an exciting life I lead!

Staff part tomorrow night- pretty excited about that as we are going to a Japanese Karaoke bar! Should be intensly funny especially since everyone on my team plans on being completely toasted before even entering the karaoke bar! So hopefully I feel better so I can drink my coke and laugh at everyone.

I think we might go out to a beautiful part of Ireland this weekend called Powerscourt. Its part of Wexford and has a waterfall!! Yay! I have never seen a live waterfall before, so God willing the weather will be nice and we will own it!

Anyways, I am starting to like Dublin again as the weather is getting nicer and its now so dreary! Can't wait for it to get warmer! I love summer so much!

I emailed my travel agent today as well about moving my plane ticket up a couple weeks so I can start school in september. How crazy would that be if I came home long enough to get a degree! Still praying becasue I just want what God wants!

Anyways, enough of my ramblings! Heading home to drug myself up and sleep!

My heart, and God's...

2006-10-11T21:17:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I have written in here, I have been so busy that I don't get the time to think, let alone blog.

This summer back home has been intense, and so completely fabulous. I can't believe how fast it has gone, and I can't believe the work that Jesus has done in my heart. I feel like a completely new creation, and I can honestly say that I have walked my whole Christian walk without feeling the peace and the complete love and joy that I feel now. Its crazy.

God still has work left to do in me, the work is never done- but He has started a good work and I am so thankful for that. My heart is being renewed and changed to be more like His everyday, and that is so exciting becasue it is something that I have been praying for, for so long. I have been praying freedom for so long and it is finally something I am experiencing.

I am heading back to Dublin at the beginning of November and I could not be more excited to take on the challenges that God has laid before me. He has broken my heart and remewed my passion in a big way for the city and for the people. I am on my knees for the kids most day becasue I just love them so much and want them to know special they are. I want them to know that someone cares about them enough to stick it out. I am willing to sacrifice everything to build that into these people. I am going to miss home like crazy, and I always end up homesick, but to me it is worth it. The call of God is worth sacrificing my comfort.

I wish that people could see what I see when I look at Dublin. I wish people could understand the love God has for His lost children. People say they understand, but if they did, if they felt the heart of God for the lost, than they would not be sitting in their lives not making a difference. They would be running, desperate to share His heart and make it known. That is my desire.

Now that I have seen God's heart, I can't contain it.

We are having a banquet this weekend to raise some money for this year in Dublin..I pray at this banquet that people would see my heart. That they would see how important this ministry is, and that I would beable to convey at least an ounce of the love God has for Dublin.

Scream

2006-08-18T16:14:00.000-07:00

I could not say how I feel better than these lyrics put it....

Does anybody know how I feel?
Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome
Does anybody care what's going on?
Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm
For you to see me, I need release
Do I haveto scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you tosee me?'
Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me
Do I need to scream?
Has anybody seenwhat's been done?
Where was my defense?
No one heard my protest
The eyes of God were watching me
It's time to make my peace, let it go and be released
So I can breathe again
I'm on my knees
I've been marked, set apartBut I'm cut so deep and afraid of the dark
One drop of blood from the hole in Your hand
Is enough to heal me and make me stand'
CauseI'm clean,
He is listening to me
I don'thave to scream for Him to hear me
Don't have to bleedfor Him to see me
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me
I don't have to scream
I don't have to bleed'
Cause I'm clean, He is listenin
gAnd I don't have to scream

Too much.....

2006-08-17T16:05:00.000-07:00

I have been home for like a month and a bit now...so crazy that it is going by so fast!! God has done so much so far this summer- He has been so faithful and so good, and really helped me to deal with my heart and a lot of the bad stuff that happened in Ireland. I met a fantastic Christian couple who are taking me through deliverance and helping me to find true freedom in Christ, and I am so thankful for that, but its so overwhelming at the same time. God is doing a fast work in me, so its heart wrenching.

I have so much on my heart, and so much that I need to deal with.....I walk around numb most days because I just don't know where to begin, but at the same time, God has given me so much peace, and so much joy about finding true freedom. I am halfway there, and if I have this much peace halfway through, imagine the peace that will come with true surrender and freedom in Him!

Now, I am at an awkward stage, because I am starting to get healthy and walk in truth, and see what needs to be done...but its hard, and I don't want to admit alot of the stuff God is bringing me into, and I really don't want to surrender the things that God is asking me too...not becasue I don't want freedom, but becasue it hurts so much. Surrendering my family- breaks my heart...surrendering my friends- God has had to take away alot of them in order to get me healthy so I am doing okay there- surrendering my future and my visions and goals and my ministry- break my heart. I know that it hurts so much becasue at a heart level I do not trust God and what He has for me- but it doesn't change the fact that it needs to happen regardless of how I feel. I know the truth.

I do not know if I will be going back to Ireland in October and that terrifies me. It terrifies me becasue if God asks me not too, then I feel that it will be becasue I did not do a good enough job. I know that my work in Ireland is not done, and so I will be back there, but its God timing. I just don't want to hurt anyone, and prove anyone right.

I just want to cry.

Silence- what scares me most and what I most desire

2006-06-01T15:46:00.000-07:00

Title: In the Silence
Artist:Jason Upton

Tired of telling you, you have me
When I know you really don’t
Tired of telling you I’ll follow
When I know I really won’t
Cause I’d rather stand here speechless
With no great words to say
If my silence is more truthful
And my ears can hear how to walk in your way

In the silence
You are speaking
In the quiet I can feel the fire
And it’s burning, burning deeply
Burning all it is that you desire to be silent, in me

Oh Jesus can you hear me?
My soul is screaming out
And my broken will cries teach me
What your Kingdom’s all about
Unite my heart to fear you,
To fear you’re holy name
And create a life of worship
In the spirit and truth of your loving ways

Jesus,
the cry of my heart is to stand before you-completely bare and honest. To be humble- knowing I am a sinner, but confident- not in who I am, but in who YOU are. I want you to have my whole heart and for me to be so completely captivated that I can do nothing but stand in silence. I am not there yet, but my heart aches for that day.

Great sermon today....

2006-05-14T09:26:00.000-07:00

Today I wasn't planning on going to church becasue I woke up so tired, but God had a different plan. I had this crazy dream after I hit my alarm and ended up convicted about not going. So I got up and threw on some clothes and made my way down to church and I am glad to say that it was well worth it.

I really prayed during my worship time that I would really beable to connect to God. Like not just sing the words, and lift my hands, but really feel God's heart and praise Him for who He is despite the fact that I don't always like the way He works. I had a hard time entering in but through this 15 year old boy in the church God really spoke to me. He got up in front of the church, so scared, but he said He had a word from God. We went on to talk about lifting up our heads to focus on the Lord because it is finished. He talked about how we dont have to come into His presence ashamed because of what we have done because Jesus died for that shame. We can come boldly and confidently to the throne room of our Lord. That really ministered to my heart because it is a concept I have heard over and over, but never realized just how much it affects my walk with God.

It is like as soon as I do something wrong, or fall into the same sin over and over, I just feel so ashamed and like God would never want me in His presence. So I don't go there. But I really felt like what that young lad was saying was for me. God has really been showing me a lot about who He is. He is a God of grace, and compassion, and love. He is a jealous God and all He wants is for His children to come home.

The pastor went on to give a great sermon on confidence and how if we truly want to be confident people we need to be confident in God. He talked from Psalm 27. His main points were basically that our confidence needs to be:

1) Based on the Living God
2) Based on a finished work
3) and Based on a future Glory

He then went on to pick apart every problem we face, depression, fear, rejection, trouble, stress, anxiety...etc. Every single problem or trouble we face has been taken care of. It is finished work because of what Jesus has done for us. If we put our confidence in the Lord than nothing can shake us.

It was great and exactly what I needed to hear. All I have to do is lift up my head because that is where my help comes from. It is finished and I no longer have to be condemed or ashamed, not because of who I am but because of who my God is. I am pretty stoked about this massive, yet simple, foundational revelation.

I may be rejected, forsaken, depressed, anxious, worried and ashamed. But my God is my light, my salvation, my stronghold, my beauty, my safety, my covering, my encouragement and my mercy. AND because of all that I am free. Yay!

I swear that this song was written about me!

2006-05-13T13:55:00.000-07:00

"I Need You To Love Me"- Barlow Girls

Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You

[Chorus:]
But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been

This song hurts my heart becasue it is SOOOO my heart.

This song really spoke to me today....

2006-05-12T16:38:00.000-07:00

Artist: Alana Grace Lyrics
Song: Black Roses Red Lyrics

Can I ask you a question please
Promise you won't laugh at me
Honestly I'm standing here
Afraid I'll be betrayed.
As twisted as it seems, I only fear love when it's in my dreams
So let the morning light come in and let the darkness fade away
Chorus:
Can you turn my black roses red?
Can you turn my black roses red?

Drowning in my loneliness
How long must I hold my breath
So much emptiness inside I could fill the deepest sea
I reach to the sky as the moon looks on
One last year has come and gonne
It's time to let your love rain down on me

Can you turn my black roses red? (x3)
Cuz
I'm feelin like I'll blame it on love (x6)

Can you turn my black roses red? (x3)
Cuz I'm feelin like I'll blame in on love
I'm feeling like I'll blame it on love (until fades)

Dandelions

2006-05-11T03:15:00.000-07:00

I got to spend a whole day with the kids of the neighborhood today. It was the most fantastic day and it put so much into perspective. I never thought that making braclets out of dandelions would ever change things as much as it did.

I got to read stories, chase kids, be a human jungle gym, cuddle kids and laugh. It makes me cry to think about how special that time was, and how much each one of those kids mean to me! I love them so much.

It reminded me why I do what I do. Once again I found myself in a position where I needed that reminder, and once again God in His faithfulness provided. But it was so much more than that. I realized the extent of my selfishness. My desire to go home, my desire to have things my way completely distracted me of the one thing that will make me the most happy- realizing that it is NOT ABOUT ME.

I want to make a difference here, for those kids who are so desperate for someone to listen to them. I want to make a difference even if it means that I spend the rest of my life hugging children in a foreign country away from everyone I know and love.

I keep thinking that if the opporunity to go home early and never come back came that I would go for it and move on. But yesterday reminded me that I wouldnt trade my time here with these kids for anything. I have so much to learn from them.

Grace

2006-05-09T17:41:00.000-07:00

My heart has been kind of a mess lately. My head has been even worse. I have been struggling alot with what seems like a never ending list. I have so much fear and so many insecurities. I feel like I have so much to prove but am failing miserably at the same time.

I know that I am the only one who holds the expectations so high that they can never be met. I let myself down everytime and then I get upset and insecure and beat myself up for having the expectation in the first place. That in itself creates a whole new expecation- that I should have learned by now that my old ways will never work. Its just a vicious cycle really.

I can see the end point but its hazy. I know where I want to be, I want passion, I want freedom, I want to walk in the truth, I want to be strong, I want to be in love, I want to serve and make His name known. I want to serve my God with reckless passion and wild abandonment. I want to be everything I am not right now.

I have been learning alot about grace lately becasue I am reading a book by Philip Yancy- its really reminding me of who God is. The God I serve doesnt want me to have insane expectations of myself, He doesnt want me coming into His presence ashamed and condemed becasue no matter how hard I try- I fall.

''As far as the east is from the west thats how far He has removed our transgressions from us. (psalm 20:12)''

This is the truth bouncing around in my heart and in my mind, yet why dont I grab ahold of it and live it. Maybe becasue it sounds just too good to be true. I know the truth and I still choose to live in the darkness I have always known. It makes me sad.

Abba, I just pray that you would really reveal to your children how to truly walk in the freedom of grace. Grace for others, and grace for ourselves becasue of the grace you constantly give to us. I pray that I would beable to stand confidently in your presence knowing that I am forgiven and loved by the love that is everlasting.
Amen.

KiKi

2006-04-28T06:55:00.000-07:00

Here is the most recent picture I have of me! I am just hanging out at the internet cafe in Dublin Ireland with unruly curly hair. Yay!!

GREYSTONES

2006-04-22T13:29:00.000-07:00

SO JEN AND I DECIDED THAT WE HAD JUST HAD ENOUGH OF DUBLIN AND HEADED OUTSIDE DUBLIN TO ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AREAS IN IRELAND- GREYSTONES. WELL I DONT REALLY HAVE ANYTHING ELSE IN IRELAND TO COMPARE IT TOO, BUT EVERYTIME I GO THERE I AM ALWAYS TOTALLY BLOWN AWAY BY ITS FANTASTIC BEAUTY AND THE PEACE THAT I FIND THERE.

WE JUST WONDERED AROUND THE TOWN, HAD SOME LUNCH AND THEN HEADED TOWARDS TO BEACH. NOW THE BEACH IN GREYSTONES IS UNLIKE ANY OTHER BEACH- ITS FULL OF CLIFFS, AND BEAUTIFUL ROCKS AND THE WATER IS SO CLEAR AND THE SURF SPLASHES UP ONTO THE CLIFFS AND ROCKS. I WAS BLOWN AWAY AT HOW BEAUTIFUL I ALWAYS FIND IT, AND HOW GREAT GOD OUR CREATOR TRULY IS.

JEN PUT IT WELL WHEN SHE SAID THAT SHE MET GOD IN GREYSTONES BECASUE I DID AS WELL. I THINK IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH BEING SO CLOSE TO SOMETHING SO BEAUTIFUL- BUT I ALWAYS FEEL GOD WHEN I AM THERE. IT WAS DEFINATLY A TRIP THAT BOTH JEN AND I NEEDED AS WE WERE GETTING SO TIRED AND JUST RUN DOWN IN DUBLIN. THE SPIRIT IS HEAVY AND TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST GOD SHOWED ME TODAY HOW I ALLOWED MYSELF TO JUST LET GO OF HIM AND EVERYTHING I CARE ABOUT AND STAND FOR AND AM FIGHTING FOR.

GREYSTONES REMINDED ME OF ALOT, AND IT REMINDED ME THAT NO MATTER WHAT I MAY FEEL LIKE, I SERVE AN INCREDIBLE, MAJESTIC, LOVING, COMPASSIONATE CREATOR WORTHY OF MY PRAISE AND SO MUCH MORE.

I NEED TO PUSH THROUGH THIS SEASON AND INTO THE LIFE GOD INTENDED ME TO HAVE. I AM EXCITED BUT SCARED, BECASUE I KNOW THE SACRIFICE INVOVED AND THE HEART ISSUES THAT NEED TO BE DEALT WITH BEFORE I AM TRULY RELEASED INTO THE FULL FREEDOM I KNOW THAT I HAVE IN HIM.

My heart.....

2006-04-19T11:27:00.000-07:00

It has definatly been a while since I have written in here. Wow so much has happened that I dont even know where to begin.

I am homesick today. My mom has been here for the past 10 days and she left this morning with my brother, so I am sad and homesick now.

My mom and I dont really have the best history and we have pretty much fought since the day I turned 14- but I still love her so much. My brother and I have never been close either- by the time he reached the age that he stopped being annoying- I moved away so it was hard to see him go as well. My heart breaks for my family more than anything else. I just pray that one day they will understand me, and know the God that has made me who I am.

I was talking to Jen last night before bed and just crying because I didnt know how to put into words all the stuff I was feeling, and she told me that a big reason my heart hurts so much is becasue God misses me.

That one thing she said lead into a whole area of my heart that just is in bits. I am not really sure how to put it into words. Bascially, when my mom came I found all my security in her. I let my guard down and relyed on her alot. When my mom or dad is around I feel so much more secure and like everything is going to be okay. So when she left, my security left...and now I feel lost and anxious and detatched.....etc.

Why, after being in Dublin away from my family for six months with nothing but my best friend do I still choose to not rely and be secure in only God? Why do I still run away? Why do I still choose to let my heart become apathetic becasue it feels better than talking about whats really in my heart?

I get so frustrated becasue I dont know why I do all of these things. So I sit and cry, becasue I dont know how to justify these questions, I dont know the answers. All I know is that my heart hurts, and I miss God too.

2006-03-10T11:56:00.000-08:00

''Never be someone's slogan becasue you are poetry''

Sandra Bullock (28 Days)

This quotes inspires me.

Ode to Meeks

2006-02-24T04:22:00.000-08:00

So I was checking out google, becasue I have nothing better to do, and I put the word ''meeks'' into a good image search, and this is the best thing I found, well besides all the scary looking people with the surname ''Meeks.'' This wonderful peice of art work is called ''Meeks-Lookin for Love.'' Now all I have to do is get muss to recreate the masterpeice with me inside!

SO HAPPY ITS FRIDAY!!!

2006-02-24T02:08:00.000-08:00

Wow, what a weird morning! I decided that it would be a good idea at the last minute to take a taxi to the post office and pick up the parcel my daddy sent me becasue I wasnt home yesterday when they tried to deliver it! It cost me 15 euro to get to the post office and then down to work- traffic was insane! So that sicked me out, but the package from my daddy was so cute! He sent me all the stuff I miss from Canada, including my beloved blue and yellow sweater that I cant believe I forgot in the first place!

So I got to work to recieve a phone call from Joanne the lady from the recruitment agency that sends me out temping- and it turns out that this week may be my only week at Crosscare becasue the lady I am filling in for might be coming back Monday. So that really sucks because I love working here. But I trust that God is removing me for a reason and that He will find me something better sutied as it is kind of hard to get too everyday!

So yeah despite the fact that its just a normal friday with crap going on, I am still stoked and in a really good mood for no reason!

Jen and I are going to try and go and see some irish country side next weekend- hopefully we can get that all worked out becasue it would be amazing just to take off for a weekend and relax! If we cant get to the irish country side maybe will just sit and relax on the street outside our house, hahaha!

Anyways, I am pretty much done rambling for now, I will leave you with one last bit of exciting new........I have decided to take up ''FENCING''

Could be fun!!

2006-02-23T02:02:00.000-08:00

Choose a band / artist then answer ONLY in titles of their songs . . .

1. Choose a band / artist: Kelley Clarkson

2. Are you male or female: ''Natural woman''

3. Describe yourself: ''Beautiful Disaster''

4. How do some people feel about you: ''Angel'' (haha!)

5. How do you feel about yourself: ''Low''

6. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: ''Where is your heart''

7. Describe current boyfriend/girlfriend: ''What's up Lonly'' (as in I HAVE NO BOYFRIEND!)

8. Describe where you want to be: ''Miss Independant''

9. Describe how you live: ''Thankful''

10. Describe how you love: ''Addicted''

11. What would you ask for if you had just one wish: ''Some Kind of Miracle''

12. Share a few words of Wisdom: ''The trouble with love is...''

13. Where Do you Live? ''A moment like this''

14. Now say goodbye: ''Since You Been Gone''

WOW! Thats was way harder than I thought it would be!!

MEEKS LAND

2006-02-22T08:17:00.000-08:00

Here are some of the things that are definatly going to be a part of Meeks Land:

-peppermint chairs
-chocolate river
-lollipop trees
-sparkley green grass
-instead of raining- it just sparkles for a while!
-lots of rainbows
-lots of laughing
-lots of dancing (muss will be there dancing to beverly hills!)
marshmallow clouds
-bubblegum tshirts- yeah! you would smell so good!
-lots of yellow duckies walking around!
-the stars are multicolored
-the sun is made of skittles!
- huge swimming pool
- warm all the time
-My palace will be in the middle of the city and every 10 minutes is screams my name alternating between MEEEEKS! and YONEZZ!! and every half hour it explodes in pink smoke, glitter, and little pictures of meeks!
-All of the music played has my name subsituted in place of the word ''me''

Im sure I will think of more, but that is it for now! I love this picture of candy land, I will be using it to model Meeks Land! yay!

Something to think about. . . .

2006-02-22T04:30:00.000-08:00

''Trusting God in the face of disappointment is the ultimate test of faith!'' (Shannon Kubiak) It seems like a no brainer, and unless you are seriously facing disappointment its easy to say that its not really big of a test of faith becasue you know the truth and the truth is God is good. When I read that today it seriously made me think about the times in my life I have been disappointed and not happy with what God was doing and to no suprise I had no faith. Its hard to trust God especially if you are disappointed in Him, and honestly I dont really know how you would go about trusting God if you were disappointed in Him. The definition of disappointment is a feeling of dissatisfaction that results when your expectations are not realized (dictionary.com- the lazy way!) Thats an interesting way of thinking about it becasue if you are disappointed in God then you are unhappy at the fact that God has not realized your expectations.

Now onto expectations, those are a killer and will let you down everytime. So really if you think about it, the only reason we ever get disappointed is becasue we choose to have expectations. Yikes...I dont like where this is going!

So I thought about it for a bit and then moved onto a quote in the book by Elizabeth Elliot that says ''Trust the man who died for you.'' Thats a great quote and its very true. Why wouldnt you beable to trust someone willing to lay their life on the line for you...

just something stuff I am thinking on...I am going to stop now because I am giving myself a headache!

Chilly and Dancing!

2006-02-22T02:13:00.000-08:00

Brrr- its like working in the Arctic today! Normally when its miserable outside I love just hanging out inside becasue its warm and there is glass and brick separating me from the bitter cold rain and in this case hail! But no no, today it has to be just as cold in our offices as it is outside- the draft is insane! So here I sit, wishing I has some mittens!

But hey if your cold and have no mittens what else can you do? DANCE! So I got the oldies pumping- well they no longer are pumping becasue ''You raise me up'' by Westlife just came on- this is upsetting becasue I can't dance to Westlife! Boo- so my dance party has turned out to be a bust!

I am currently in the process of thinking of ideas for my ''Meeks Land'' board game. I am going to make it and take it back home to Canada for Muss! She will definatly appreciate the beauty of the Meeks Land board game me thinks!

Oooo Footloose just came on! Meeks Dance Party is back in action!

City of God's Delight

2006-02-21T07:28:00.000-08:00

I figured I would start myself a blog seeing as I do nothing at work. I answer the phone that never rings and or mail letters that never come in- all in all the situation is looking pretty good for me and I am left with lots of spare time that I am getting paid 12 euro an hour to have!

I have been in Dublin for 4 months now. Looking back to when I first got here, i didnt think that being half way through this trip was even possible! It was a really hard transition to make- leaving all of my friends and family behind and moving across the ocean to start a new adventure with nothing by God and my best friend. I knew that God has called me here and I had spent the whole year working towards moving here, but yet when I got here I was miserable, homesick and terrible to be around. I didnt want to do anything but go home and the anger in me towards God for bringing me here was terrifying! I toughed it out though and somehow through venting and screaming my disapointment at God and friends coming over to kick me in the butt I made it through the first few months- to my relief and probably my best friend Jens who often had to listen to me vent and freak out!

So the trip is half over, and I have a house with my best friend, I go to church most sundays, I have an office job at a place called Crosscare that does social work, feeding schemes and drug abuse couselling all over Dublin, I work with an inner city kids club on Thomas street, I have kids in my neighborhood come over on saturdays to hang out and get loved on, and I always have sunday night dinner with Jen and Konrad (my favourite polish person in the world)! So even though I still get homesick, I think that alot has happened in 4 months, and I am really happy and I dont hate Dublin anymore! yay!

God has also done so much work in my heart! Even up to a month ago I was so angry and broken and I shut my heart of to just about everything, including God. God has brought so much healing to me though and really given me a passion to walk with Him rather than making it a chore. So much of my walk with God has been based on the fact that I have nothing to walk away too, so although I hate walking with Him there is nowhere else to go. But God has showed me just how good He really is. He is so faithful and I have nothing but testimony of His faithfulness and goodness. He is always there for His kids. I love Him more than I ever have and want to do nothing but bring Glory to His name. To serve and love the way He first loved us. God is the last person I think about before falling asleep and the first person I wake up to in the morning- that is the desire of my heart.

So with all that in mind, I am loving my time here and finally relaxing and enjoying it! I have a big heart for Dublin and my heart breaks for the children here more and more everyday. I am falling head over heels in love with Jesus and I have never been more myself.